You've Got it Bad

Sixty

Jade's POV

I asked Jesse to come back to our apartment to meet, but he was adamant on not being seen here. Which again, made me even more nervous. He was acting really strange.

"Ready, babe?" Perrie asked as she walked into our living room, pulling on her jacket.

I was sitting on the couch raking my hands through my hair. Irritated, nervous, worried, scared and already angry.

I sighed and nodded, standing up and taking her hand as she reached out for me. We started to walk toward the front door, but she suddenly stopped and I looked back at her.

"What is it?" I asked.

"I can see you're stressed and worried and probably a million other things, and I don't want your anxiety to beat you today. I'm here, okay? I want you to know if you get overwhelmed, or scared, or too much of anything, I'm here with you. You don't have to bear any of your feelings alone. Hold my hand if you need to. I'll keep you grounded. We'll breathe together and we'll be alright." Her thumb gently brushed over the back of my hand as she looked into my eyes, and I gave her a small smile.

"Can I ask you for a favor?" I looked at her.

"Of course you can." She replied, still tracing circles on the back of my hand.

I sighed, trying to find the words. "I'm not any good at controlling my emotions. Anger, especially. We both know this. And for some reason he makes me really angry. And it's not just him that I'm mad about. I think he triggers me and reminds me of all the other things. But you always know how to calm me down. Don't let me blow up, or get to that level of angry. I hate that I lose control of myself when it gets to that point. I'm giving you permission to do whatever you need to do to keep me from getting there. Please."

She pulled me in and wrapped her arms around me. "Don't worry, baby. I've got you."

I sighed again as we walked out the door to head to the park we were meeting Jesse at. I was far too anxious to drive, so thankfully she did.

I just sat in the passenger seat, chewing away at my cuticles and bouncing my leg up and down as I stared out the window, imagining all of the ways this could go to shit and wondering what he could possibly want to talk about that was so serious.

Suddenly, I felt her place her hand on my thigh and tap lightly, letting me know she was still here. I immediately stopped bouncing my leg, although my heart was still racing. She didn't say anything, she just turned her hand over, and when I placed mine in hers, she squeezed it.

"Do you want a big wedding?" She asked softly, still looking at the road and pulling me from my thoughts.

"Huh?" I asked, confused and suddenly out of breath, though she didn't seem fazed by my state.

"Our wedding, baby."

"I want what you want," I replied.

"That's not what I asked you, babe. You always say that, and I love you for it, but I want to know what you want too."

"No, I don't."

"Just us?" She asked, rubbing small circles on my hand with her thumb again. It was so simple, but always so relaxing to me.

"Probably just our friends and Debs." I thought.

I could count on one hand the people I could trust at this point in my life. I definitely didn't want anything grand with the few people I love and a bunch of random seat-fillers.

"Kids?"

"Are you asking me if I want kids at the wedding, or in general?" I finally looked at her.

She chuckled softly. "For now, just at the wedding, babe."