An Inconvenient Attachment

Kabanata 2

I know what he meant by that. That disgrace is me. Kahit wala namang nakakaalam bukod sa dalawang pamilya at si Heloise ay ganoon pa rin ang tingin niya sa akin. Kailan ba nagbago 'yon? Dati pa namang hindi na pantay ang pagtingin niya sa amin.

"You should be the one putting up with your younger sister, Xiomara. Dahil ikaw ang mas panganay," palagi niyang litanya kapag hindi kami nagkakasundo.

What does he call my putting up with her all these years? Halos lahat isuko ko. Lahat ng gusto ng kapatid ko ginagawa ko kahit na masakit sa 'kin.

"Hoy Xiomara, magkulong ka sa kwarto mo, darating friends ko."

Ganyan lagi ang eksena kapag may bisita sa mansyon. Be it birthday celebration, victory party, or even political gatherings. While they were enjoying the crowd, I was silently looking down on them on the four corner of my room upstairs.

"Oh Xiomara. Nand'yan ka na naman. Halika, dinalhan kita ng cake!" masayang pambungad ni Manang Sabel nang pumasok sa kwarto ko.

"Manang, hindi ba talaga ako pwedeng lumabas? Kahit sa garden lang po, I'll just watch them silently." Malungkot kong tinignan ang labas.

Nagpahinga siya nang malalim at lumapit sa akin.

"Hija, alam mo naman ang bilin ng Papà mo di 'ba? Bawal kang lumabas kapag may bisita."

"Dahil ba anak ako sa labas Manang?" My eight year-old self cried silently.

Hinawakan niya ang balikat ko. "Pinoproktahan ka lang nila."

Iyon ang paulit ulit kong itinatatak sa isip ko mula pagkabata para hindi ako masaktan. Na pinoprotektahan lang nila ako. Maybe they don't want me to be hurt by people who don't understand my situation. Our family situation. Pero minsan hindi 'yon ang nakikita kong dahilan.

"Hija, you behave here okay? Babalik din kami next month," ani Papà nang magpaalam silang magbakasyon sa ibang bansa.

That's when I understood that they were not really glad having me as a part of their family. I was a disgrace.

"Xiomara, don't be sad now. I'm going to buy you a pasalubong." Yohan tapped my head gently and smiled.

Kung may gusto man ng existence ko sa pamilyang ito ay si Yohan 'yon. He's the same age as me. Whenever he comes home, lagi niya akong bibibigyan ng pasalubong though may bigay rin si Papà.

Palagi niya akong dinadamayan kapag malungkot ako pero kapag nahuhuli siya ni Tita Amelie ay pinapagalitan siya. I'm still grateful that at least there is someone who likes my existence.

"Ang lalim na naman na naman ng iniisip mo."

Napabalik ako sa reyalidad nang magsalita si Yohan sa tapat ko. We're in an ice cream parlor eating. Pagkatapos kasi ng family meeting na 'yon ay nagyaya siyang ilibre ako. I know what he's thinking. He's worried again.

"Iniisip ko lang kung ano'ng flavor ang susunod kong o-order-in," biro ko.

"E hindi mo pa nga nakakalahati yan e." Pinitik niya ang noo ko.

"Aw!" Matalim ko siyang tinitigan sabay himas sa noo.

Ngumisi siya sa akin nang nakakaloko at umiling.

"Ang tigas naman kasi ng ulo mo. I told you stop having boyfriends, Xiomara. You know Sam won't stop bugging you," aniya bago sumubo.

"She's just insecure, Yohan. And... she hates me that much. She's more than willing to ruin my life just she could get rid of me."

"Xiomara..." he called.

I sighed and played with my food.

"Don't worry. I won't let her. I've been putting up with her and all her shits. That's enough. Once I graduate and become a doctor, I will give her the satisfaction of not having me around her. Kung 'yon ang magpapatahimik sa kanya, Yohan."