Binding You To Me Like Cursive

Perfect

Winter

She sighed in defeat, "fuck." She was helpless to her desire for me, she was a prisoner in it. I related. As long as we were 15 feet apart this madness would never end. I held her against my chest, and brushed my thumb against her rosy cheek. Instinctually- like she'd done it a million times- she melted into my touch. Holding her in my arms was like a breath of fresh air. I never wanted to let her go, and I silently cried thinking of that. How hopeless I was to fall for her. She inhaled.

"You're perfect, at least for me." She whispered. Her voice cracked as she gripped my body tighter. I bit into my lip and pulled away, jumping down from the counter and stalking to the door. I grabbed her hand, reveling in the feel of her touch while I had it. Then I kissed her hand and she was gone. I sunk to the floor and the tears just fell in waterfalls. I fell asleep hiccuping and in my own puddle of tears.

I woke an hour later and rubbed my crusty, swollen eyes. My legs felt weak and frail and I shook as I stood on them. I brewed some coffee and called Kaiden.

"Hey, babe. What's up?" I sipped my coffee I'd poured into my favorite teal green mug. It burned all the way down and it was satisfying.

"My mom called, she really wants us to visit. I'm booking flights for tomorrow." I didn't want to argue about this. If he knew what was good for him he wouldn't fight me on it.

"That fast? Shouldn't we talk?" I pulled out my laptop from the shelf and opened it up. The background was a image of Kaiden and I at our graduation. Wearing red and gold and smiling like we were ready to take on the world.

"Fine, you stay. I'm going." I told him.

"Babe, are you okay?" I inhaled through my nose, suddenly numb to my feelings. I couldn't be bothered with it right then. I needed to get away from it all.

"I'm perfect," i lied, "I just miss Trice and my parents. I have nothing here right now besides you." I was lonely, especially if I couldn't be with her.

"Okay, I'll talk to Nahmir." I hung up and booked our flights. I showered quickly- absently- and packed. We'd leave first thing tomorrow.

The flight wasn't long but I'd already felt exhausted. My parents had a big cottage with red and brown Spanish rooftops. They lived in the country out by a forest. I grew up my entire life there. I knew every secret hideout. And yet it didn't give me the same joy it once did. For 46 my mother didn't look a day over 35. She was petite and fit, with bright blonde curls and freckled skin like me.

"Momma," my said as my voice cracked. I hugged her. She was in white capris and a pink blouse and her shiny hair was pinned up. My dad was chubby with dark salt and pepper hair, and Trice my childhood friend was stunning. At 5'6 with long red hair and hazel green eyes, she was a show stopper.

"Oh gosh, I have missed you." She said into my ear. They led me inside and I inhaled the oak and pine tree scent mixed with fresh blossoms and sweet caramel. My room was upstairs and it looked exactly how I'd left it. It felt like ages ago when in reality it'd only been a few weeks.

A week in at my parents and still Phoebe was on my mind. All our moments safely stashing themselves away in my memory. I stayed up most nights gazing out over the mountains and the stars. It felt like something inside me was missing, and I couldn't breathe without it. As the days went on Kaiden and I spent barely any time together. He was still consumed in work and I was busy with my family. My mom was concerned but just assumed it was pre-marriage jitters. I assured her It was stress.

I stood out on the balcony, imagining Bee and I tossing our notes back and fourth, above the ocean and the people. Just us. I'd never felt longing, so pure and certain.

"Winny, please, talk to me." Trice announced herself. She'd caught me in deep thought. I sniffed and wiped my eyes, then I laughed as a coping mechanism.

"I'm fine," I said. "Honestly." She peered at me, her compassion seeping through her eyes. Her fire ginger hair was in a bun and her long neck was on display.

"You've never been able to lie to me." She sat down on the swing and I leaned on her shoulder. "Is this about the neighbor? The girl?"

"Why would you think that?" She laced her fingers with mine.

"She's the only person you've brought up since moving. She works her way into casual conversations. And you haven't been the same since you mentioned her." I didn't want to think of what that meant, I couldn't. "You love her?"

"You're a crazy ginger," I replied with lazy humor. She chortled.

"You love me." There was a pregnant pause. "If you need to talk about anything I'm always here."

"I know."

That was the last time we talked about it. Kaiden had to be back soon so I spent the night in the living room with my family. We watched movies and talked wedding plans, my mother mentioned how we needed to hurry up with her grandkids and I told her we were waiting. I cuddled with Kaiden as we watched TV and ignored Trice's incisive eyes.

"I love you all, don't be strangers. Come visit us sometime you'd love our apartment. It's got a breathtaking view." I said while group hugging my family. My mom kissed me and my father said something about calling more and Trice pulled me aside.

"Before you go, you never answered my question." I sighed exasperatedly and rolled my eyes. "No, Winny, you're unhappy and different and I don't even recognize you." Her words hit like a freight train. Was I miserable? Is this was miserable felt like? Even around love and family I still wasn't happy without her? "Is this wedding happening or not?"

I couldn't look in her eyes. I didn't know what the future held. I knew nothing anymore.

"I don't know, Trice. I'll call you when I figure it out."

I was anxious, wrecked with nerves on the flight back. Almost shaking. I felt close to my addiction and I couldn't contain the need within me. The apartment was just how we left it, and her smell faintly lingered in the air. I inhaled, drowning in what I could get. I had no doubts. No small hint of uncertainty. I needed to be around her, in her reach. I finally felt relieved, like I could finally breathe after 2 weeks of being so far out of her grasp. I shed my luggage and Kaiden headed for a shower. She wasn't on the balcony right away but I knew it'd only be a matter of time. While I waited I soaked in my new home. I loved it here. The ocean and the sea salt breezes. Then she was there. I could feel her before I seen her. When I turned she stood- shellshocked- and in a new sexy magenta robe that looked like how she made me feel. Perfect.