Thicker than Water (Marauders Era) PART II

3 September, 1995 - Honesty (II)

Lavinia had barely crossed the threshold into the kitchen of Number 12 Grimmauld Place when Sirius, who was sitting at the table there, looked up at her and scowled.

"I suppose you're here to tell me off as well?" he asked bitterly, his gaze following her as she rounded the table to stand opposite him, arms crossed and a frown of her own creasing her brow.

For a moment, Lavinia just blinked in response, trying to decide how the hell to approach this without immediately biting his head off. On the one hand, Kingsley had evidently been right: Dumbledore must have gotten here first and given Sirius enough of a talking to that he was now sitting at the kitchen table, head in his hands and looking admittedly rather downtrodden. But on the other hand... she sighed. "That depends," she informed him patiently. "Do I have to? Or did Dumbledore get through to you?"

Sirius's scowl just deepened. "I'm not a child," he growled, curling his lip at her slightly in a gesture that did nothing to help Lavinia's bad mood.

She bit back a nasty retort to the words and took a deep breath instead. She should have waited, she supposed. Because the moment she was stressed. It wasn't just Sirius's brash behavior, either. It was everything else Kingsley had said. She would have to watch her step, would have to worry about saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing when someone might be watching. She would never be able to let her guard down at work. Really, depending on how bad it got, she might even have to limit her visits to headquarters, an idea she hated mostly because she didn't at all want to leave Sirius alone in this house. But if that was what it took to keep her job, to keep her position with an ear open to the hit wizards, to keep all of it... she would have to. Because the hospital was where she needed to be. Where she could do the most good. Both for the Order and for the world in general because even if it hadn't yet, the war would come into the open soon. And when it did, the ward would fill again. And she would be needed there when that awful reality came to pass.

Plus, when the Death Eaters did finally become blatant about their tactics, the Order would need the supplies she had access to. They would need someone in that ward who didn't ask questions. Who would be discreet and careful. Someone who could heal them. Or try, anyway.

And that was the other thing causing her stress. Sitting in her living room with Kingsley, drinking tea and talking with him... it had reminded her why she had avoided Order meetings last time. Why she had stayed removed last time. Why she had made sure she didn't know them. Didn't know their families. Didn't know anything she didn't absolutely need to know to give them their best possible shot at survival. Because now... what if it was Kinglsey she couldn't save? What if it was Arthur? Or Bill or any of the other Weasleys? What if she was the one whose hands their lives fell into? What if she wasn't enough?

And she knew she would do her best, knew it wouldn't be her fault if she couldn't save them. She had learned that lesson. So it wasn't the prospect of guilt that redoubled the fear in her heart. It was the reality of knowing the faces and lives and families of the people who died. Of knowing and caring about the people who would get left behind. Because she had seen plenty of death in her life. And the ones that always hurt more were the ones whose families were there. Grieving as she had once grieved. Hurting as she had once hurt. Left behind. Lost.

She wouldn't wish that on anyone. And she didn't have to watch anyone go through it either.

Of course, now was not the time to think about that because she couldn't let that fear make her rash or callous. Not when things had been going sort of almost well. So Lavinia took another deep breath and let it out slowly. "I know you're not a child, Sirius. But going out in public like that is dangerous. Very dangerous."

Sirius huffed, leaning suddenly back in his chair so its front legs momentarily lifted off the ground before dropping back down with a rather discordant noise. "I was just seeing Harry off," Sirius grumbled, still glowering at Lavinia. "I don't see what everyone is on about."