Thicker than Water (Marauders Era) PART II

2 May, 1998 - Endings

The first step had happened without thinking. It had been an instinct, a buried response to this thing before her. To the body in Hagrid's arms. Another face to add to the list. Another blow she didn't have room to feel. And with her focus narrowed down to the face of her godson, Lavinia had moved before she'd considered anything else. Because here it was, the chance to do that stupid, reckless thing that would surely end with a green spell headed her way from a wand belonging to a familiar face. It was as good a way to go as any, Lavinia thought hollowly. Really, it seemed fitting that after everything, it should be that old life that finally caught up to her. That finally claimed her. She wondered if the Dark Lord would make William do it as some sick test of loyalty. That would be just perfect, really. Of all of them, he was the only one with a claim to her life. He had saved it, after all.

She could see him there, beside his master, his eyes on the crowd before him without a touch of pity or mercy in them. And like when she had seen his wanted poster in The Prophet, she was struck with the reality of this not being her brother. Just a monster wearing his face. But even so, even if that boy wasn't there anymore to claim the life he had saved, it would be fitting still for that gaze, those eyes, that life, to be the last thing she ever saw in the world.

And if she just stepped out there, it would be. Because this would be easy. Simple. And then she would be... free. Released. She could have peace at last in a world where there was nothing left to take from her. A world where so many people would be waiting to welcome her home. Where Remus would be waiting. Looking for her as he had promised her would be.

And yet she hesitated. Truthfully, she wasn't immediately sure why. After all, who was there to stop her anymore? Sirius had been the first to try. But he was long gone. And then it had been Remus. Time and time again, when her grief and pain had taken her hopelessly close to the edges, it had been Remus pulling her back. Saving her. Stopping her. Sometimes, she knew, without ever realizing what he was doing.

But now he was gone too.

All the people in the world who had ever known enough about the terrible lengths to which she would go to silence the storms inside her head were gone. And the people who were left... Heather didn't know Lavinia's grief like that. Heather had known Lavinia as a mentor. As a mother. As a woman who stood still and confident. As someone stable and steady.

At the moment, the thought was laughable.

And other than Heather... Lavinia glanced away from the gathered crowd of Death Eaters, from the challenging, gleeful stares they leveled at them all, to the girl standing beside her, her arm tense beneath Lavinia's fingers. Other than Heather there was Jasmine. Who had no idea that her mother was, and perhaps always had been, a woman standing on a knife's edge, her balance a precarious, dependent thing. Jasmine. Who was just a child, really. Jasmine, who she hoped hadn't seen that flash of something like resentment that had torn through her in the Great Hall because she was relieved her daughter was alive, of course she was. But another part of her had hated that standing before her had been a very solid, very concrete reason to stay alive. Because Lavinia hadn't wanted to. Didn't want to.

But she couldn't do that to Jasmine. Because really, Jasmine was still a child. And more than that, she was Lavinia's child.

Lavinia's child.

And just like last time, there was another one too. Another godson she should not have agreed to. She knew that now. Standing here, wondering if it was worth it to run out into that empty space between two halves of the world and pray that whatever pain hit her would be sweet release from this life she had not asked for, she knew she should never have said yes.

But whether or not she should have, she had.

Remus had convinced her. Just like Lily. He'd been so damn certain that she was stronger, better, grown from that scared little girl who hadn't known what to do when the world fell apart. And he'd been right. She had grown. She had been better. But only because of him. Only because he had seen her through the falling and watched her learn how to stand again. Only because he had been there, offering his hand to help her pull herself up.