Thicker than Water (Marauders Era) PART II

19 June, 1996 - Hogwarts

Waking up the next morning was hell. Just not for the reasons Lavinia had expected it to be. She had avoided the bed because she'd been afraid of the emptiness. Afraid of the blank space next to her where Sirius should have been. Afraid of the hollow it might make in her.

But instead, she woke up to arms around her. And it took a moment - an all too long moment - to realize that they weren't his arms. They were Remus's. Because she had fallen asleep on the couch. She had fallen asleep here next to her friend, trying to cling to something like hope that seemed so very far away as reality tumbled back in and crushed the air from her lungs.

Because these were not Sirius's arms. They would never be Sirius's arms. She was never again going to wake up to his embrace. To his presence. To his love. Because he was gone. He was gone and yet again Lavinia was left behind. Left to pick up the pieces. Left to find a way to make something out of this hole in her chest that felt like falling. Like screaming. Like dying.

It was a monumental effort for Lavinia to drag herself off of that couch. To stand up on stiff limbs that ached from the awkward position she'd fallen asleep in and glance at the clock to find that the morning was early yet. Remus shifted as she moved, yawning and stretching and watching her blankly as she stood up and made for the kitchen. And just like the previous night, there were no words.

What did you say to explain that things had to go on? How could she say she was just going to go make coffee like... well like nothing had happened? How the hell could she do anything normal when the world kept falling apart all around her?

But she and Remus both knew that normal things still had to happen. Life went on. The world went on. Even if neither of them wanted it to. Because that was one of those many hells Lavinia remembered from all her previous losses: no matter how much she wanted to, she couldn't freeze the moment. Couldn't stop the clock. Couldn't turn back time. It just... kept going. And days went by and then weeks and months and she would be left yet again with the question of how the hell time had passed when the hole in her chest was still screaming. How had the world moved on while she stood still in her grief and ached.

Which, she realized with a bit of a jerk, couldn't happen this time. She couldn't stand still. She couldn't let this stew and she couldn't fall apart. She wanted to. Merlin, she wanted to shatter if only so when she put back the pieces, she would have someone else. Someone he didn't know. Someone he didn't love. Someone who could pretend she hadn't loved him either. Because maybe then it would hurt less.

But she didn't have time. None of them had time. There was a war about to start and they needed to get ready. They needed to pull it together. They needed to keep going.

So Lavinia made coffee. Like this was a normal morning. And returned to the living room with two mugs she handed one to Remus like she did nearly every morning. And she quietly cursed the normalcy.

Then again, that small gesture was where the normalcy ended.

They drank in silence, both staring at the coffee table carefully. Forcefully. And Lavinia had to wonder if Remus too was terrified of just what might break if they dared to glance at the mantle. If they dared to look at those photos. If they dared to see his face.

Because Lavinia at least wasn't just afraid. She was terrified. She ached to see his face, to see his eyes, to see him. But it would hurt like hell and she knew it and she already felt like everything was holding on by a thread. Like if she looked, if she tested the strength of that single fiber keeping her together, it would snap and she would unravel.

So she didn't.

She drank her coffee and she stared at the wooden table, trying not to think. Not to feel. Not to do anything more than exist because even that hurt.