Thicker than Water (Marauders Era) PART II

18 June, 1996 - Home (IV)

Lavinia went home to the wrong house. She apparated to the wrong place and walked across the wrong threshold and the whole time her head kept screaming at her that this wasn't where she was supposed to be. This wasn't where she had planned to return to. But then, all the rest of her plans had been completely uprooted as well, so she wasn't sure it mattered.

Besides, the idea of going there... Of walking in the door of his house and into his room and seeing his things... she couldn't bear it. So even though she had belongings there she should have collected, even though part of her wanted to run to that house and search it top to bottom just to make sure he wasn't there, waiting for her... She didn't. She went home.

And it felt wrong.

Because how could this be home when for the last several months, home had been where he was? Home had been where his arms wrapped her up and he kissed her good morning and goodnight. Home had been that place that her heart had always fit so nicely: curled up and tucked away next to his. Safe in his hands. Where it belonged. Where she belonged.

Or had belonged, anyway. She didn't know if it was possible to belong somewhere that didn't exist anymore. And even if it was possible... well, it certainly wasn't practical. And though practical was just about the last thing Lavinia wanted to be right now, she also knew that someone had to be. Because she was not the only one who would be hurting tonight. Not by a long shot.

Which was why she braced herself as she walked through the door to the house that somehow didn't feel quite like home anymore.

Indeed, she had barely entered the mudroom when she caught sight of Remus, sitting on the couch with his head in his hands, staring at the coffee table in front of him like it had answers. Like if he looked long enough and hard enough, he might glance up to find that the clock had turned backwards. That it had all just been an awful dream. A nightmare. And they could start over. Try again. Fix it.

But they couldn't. They couldn't and Lavinia felt her throat closing up again at the thought. Felt her chest hollowing out and aching with the force of the emptiness shoving its way into her, cracking her bones and pushing those sharp little pieces of her heart into her until she bled.

She took a shaky breath before closing the door behind her. She was glad she had taken that moment to brace once again because at the sound of the latch, Remus looked up from the table and the look on his face snapped something inside Lavinia. She felt herself shaking, felt tears pressing in her eyes but stopping there. Like she didn't even know how to cry over this. Over him. Over the life she could feel slipping out of her fingers and falling away. Like it hadn't ever really existed in the first place.

"Harry's okay," Lavinia managed after a moment, not sure if Remus knew or not, only knowing that it was the only tiny little thing that was keeping her from falling apart. Harry was okay. Which meant at least one thing had gone the way it was supposed to. And that wasn't nearly enough. But it was better than nothing. And they needed something other than this nothing Lavinia could feel stretching through the house around them.

Remus, however, just nodded mutely, still watching her.

"I'll probably see him tomorrow," she continued, swallowing, half hoping that anything she said would get a response. A nod. A confirmation. Anything other than that blank stare that felt like a dagger through her. "I'm going to help with healing the other students first thing in the morning," she added by way of the explanation she didn't think Remus cared much about anyway.

Indeed, Remus merely nodded again and Lavinia, who was out of things to say, slipped off her shoes and padded forward, coming to stand next to him. Remus watched her and for a moment, they merely stared at each other. Then Lavinia grabbed his hand and gave it a tight squeeze, convincing herself he was there. He was fine. Physically anyway.