Thicker than Water (Marauders Era) PART II

14 July, 1995 - Maybe (II)

Sirius stared at the woman standing before him, shocked and more than slightly taken aback. It wasn't that her tone had been rude, exactly. If anything she sounded... sad. Or maybe even something like disappointed. And that... that hurt.

What made it worse, really, was that she was also right. Sirius hadn't actually thought of it in those terms before but when it was laid out in front of him, so bare and so... unapologetic... he realized that it was true. He had been missing her. Even as she stood in front of him, he was missing her. But then, he reasoned, he had been missing a lot of things lately.

Being back in this house had reminded him of so much that was now gone. And, if he was honest, he was glad of some of the things that had disappeared. That his mother was now no more than a painting was a blessing. That this house was empty of his family save for that stupid, irritable house elf was a relief. But that this house still looked the same... felt the same... that was about as far from relieving as it was possible to be.

It wasn't only that these walls reminded him of memories he would rather forget. Of threats and blows and the hell that had been the time spent in these walls. No, the worst part was he was also reminded of where exactly he had always run to to get away from those hells. Where he had gone to when he had left this house. Who he had gone to. And that who was gone. James was gone. Lily was gone. And the life he had had with James and Lily in it, with Lavinia by his side... he had been missing that. Badly.

And yes. He had been missing her. Because she was... different. There was simply no two ways about it.

He had seen it in the little things and it was like each one of them caught on some tight strung something in his heart and made it twinge terribly. Like when they'd first come in here and Lavinia, though he had seen her flinch when the portrait Walburga had started yelling, had run towards the source of the disturbance. Like a few days ago when Dumbledore had come and she had shoved him behind her and marched into the unknown with her back straight and her face set. Like when she had returned to the kitchen with Dumbledore and she had been... nice to him. Had teased him. Had seemed at ease with the old man and hadn't questioned his assurance at all. Like she... trusted him. Hell, even before they had come here, she had offered to fight for him. She had offered her life to him.

It was so different from the girl he knew. Who had shied into corners and away from confrontation. Who never ran first into the fray. Who hesitated. Who calculated every move and didn't trust Dumbledore any farther than she could throw him. And she certainly hadn't trusted Dumbledore with her life or anyone else's.

But on the other hand, there had been moments in this past week when things had been... normal and she seemed to be just as he remembered her. When they laughed and she teased him. When he caught her sometimes late at night, sitting up here and staring out the window like the night sky had answers. When he thought he knew exactly who she was because she was Lavinia. She was the girl he had loved and the girl he had wanted to marry. She was Lavinia. And in those moments, that was all he needed to know.

But the moments always broke. There was always something that reminded him that things had changed. She had changed. And he didn't know if he knew this woman before him at all anymore.

"You don't have to have an answer to that now," Lavinia was saying now, forcing Sirius to pull himself back to the moment. "Honestly," she added with a little exhale, "You don't have to answer that ever. I'm not going to just up and disappear because of it, but... but we need to figure something out. And I understand if you don't or can't love me like that anymore. I really do. But if you want me as your friend, I'll be there. If you want me as more, I'm willing to give it a shot. And if you want me to just disappear..." She shook her head and gave him a small, sad smile. "I'll do that too. So just... think it over. Take as much time as you need, but... please just... just think about it. And remember that... that I'm still me. And I still love you."