Thicker than Water (Marauders Era) PART II

2 December, 1998 - Moving On (II)

It took Lavinia nearly six months to gather the courage to set foot in Remus's apartment again and even then, she did it only with Ethan at her side, as she did so many things these days. She knew his presence had become a crutch, but she didn't mind. And though she apologized for it profusely, Ethan swore he didn't mind either. That he was there for her willingly, gladly, even. That he would stay there too, if she wanted him to.

It wasn't that there was anything romantic left between them. They were just two friends. Or maybe something a little more than friends, but nothing like they had once been.

And on that cold December day, there was certainly nothing romantic in the air.

The little apartment was dusty and smelled rather dank when they stepped inside. It felt, from the moment Lavinia entered, like it was uninhabited. Abandoned. And she supposed it was. The only reason it was here at all was because Lavinia had been paying its bills. She hadn't known what else to do. She couldn't bring herself to move any of the things inside but she didn't want to get rid of them either. She wanted to preserve them. Preserve all of it. This slice of an abandoned life.

It was silly of her. Stupid, really, but she had done it anyway. And now... now, she knew, it was time she stopped. Because she had been far from the cliffs for weeks now and though she knew she would slip again, she knew also that it was high time she started being the godmother Remus had been so sure she could be. And to do that, she'd needed to come here. In part, of course, because she needed things from this apartment. By now, however, it was only a few things, and perhaps, she thought, she didn't need them at all. But she still wanted them. Most of them, of course, were simply memories. The truth was that Teddy was growing so fast that half the baby stuff here would be useless to her anyways, but there were mementos in this house she didn't want to part with. Moments she wasn't ready to let go of. A life she didn't want to erase.

But she had to. Because the other reason she'd needed to come was because she knew she couldn't raise this child if she kept clinging to the past. She couldn't let herself wallow in old grief and forget the duties of her present. She needed to move on.

And she did. Slowly. It took several weeks, spaced out between Ethan's resumed work at the university and Lavinia's shifts at the ward, which she'd reduced to doing only part time, passing the position of Head Healer on to a frankly flustered Heather who had made the same arguments Lavinia once had about Elias's superiority before a near death-glare from the latter had silenced her. That had been a good day. Heather had been happy, Jasmine had been ecstatic, and Lavinia had known with a quiet sort of certainty that she couldn't explain that this was a good step.

Really, she'd considered quitting outright. She'd thought, of course, that she'd have to stay home all the time to care for Teddy, but she'd hated the prospect of it and in the end, Ethan had told her that giving up her dreams was a sure way to make this whole thing harder than it needed to be. And when she'd pointed out the problematic logistics, he'd just raised a brow and asked her where the hell she thought he was going.

Which had been a good question, actually. She'd assumed, as she'd thought was only natural, that Ethan would go back to his solitary life. She'd assumed that his presence in her home had been a duty, not a desire. And it had never occurred to her that he might want to stay if she gave him the chance.

So she had. Gladly. And she'd done so with every warning she could imagine that there would be a child there and she didn't want him to take on more than he absolutely wanted to and he mustn't feel obligated and and and. And Ethan hadn't cared. He'd just waited patiently for her to talk herself out before saying softly, "If you want me to stay, then I'm staying."

And she had wanted him to stay. She had very much wanted him to stay. It was a fact she hadn't been quite brave enough to state as it was, but she rather thought he'd gotten the idea.