Hate Me Closer (Phan)

Chapter Ten

There was a beam of sunlight from the large Dining Hall windows that fell halfway onto the carved wood of the Hepburn piano. It shone onto the dancing dust of the room as the boy with reddened eyes and cracked lips took his place on the stool, flinging his bag to the side. The floorboards of the hall were an orange-finished oak, giving it a slightly tinted look that matched the window frames overhead. They also filled the room with a warm glow around the instrument.

Dan lifted the lid of the piano, slowly drumming his fingers across the keys of the octaves until he caught his bearings and could replay one of the simple songs he'd learnt. He played a slow-paced song, but rushed it, making it sound desperate and clumsy. But, it was played skillfully and with the knowledge that, for this teenager who battled with guilt each hour, it was an escape.

After a while he stopped, taking a slow, calm breath in and turning to see Mrs Blackwell in the doorway of the Hall. He furrowed his eyebrows, "You should be teaching."

"And you should be in French, but I suppose we both have priorities right now." she took a seat on the Dining bench and tapped the surface beside her, offering her student a seat. He hesitated, but took it, so she began to talk with him, "What's going on? Why have you given up? You were doing so well."

"I wasn't." Dan admitted, "Even in term one. I'm not like the other students in my set. Even Phil, the nerd with a book in his hands all the time. At least he's well-behaved, smart, and has some sense about him. He's buddied up with PJ since lower school and seems to have him wrapped around his finger. I'm not built like that. I don't know how to keep friends, I don't know how to stay focused on work, and now every second of the bloody day I have my brain telling me I'm a murderer! I believe it, too." he looked to the side, "I'm not supposed to be here. I don't deserve it. All the kids in my year are wondering why I've not been expelled for lashing out at teachers every day. They take it like they're all bent-over-backwards for me and they're wondering how because they know I'm fucking poor, so I couldn't have bought it-"

"Dan." Mrs Blackwell stopped the child, "The world isn't an algorithm you can control. It's not a story you can rewrite or a song you can alter. We all have regrets, big regrets, but you've got to accept them as part of your life and understand that your life wouldn't be as it is now, or in the future, if you didn't take those hurdles in your stride." she took a breath, looking peacefully at him, "Do you believe in a god?"

"Not anymore," he muttered.

"Neither do I. I think it's cowardly, if I'm honest. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to tell you that, but for you, I think it's important. Take this with you, okay? I want to tell you this: the world is a much more powerful place without a god. It means nobody else defines your actions, and every decision you make impacts the rest of the world forever. You're so, so powerful, Dan. More so than you realise. You want to be an actor when you're older, do you still believe you can be?"

He chuckled, "Strangely enough, yes. I don't feel like I deserve it, or that I should have the luck too, but something inside me tells me that's what I'm supposed to do."

"You can do it, Dan, because it's entirely in your control, you've just got to play your cards right. School isn't everything, but until you leave, it is. How you act, think, and how you behave will either make it hell, or a pretty darn nice place to be. Just think about that for me, okay?"

Dan nodded.

"But, we do need to talk about some incidences." her student looked to the floor and twiddled his hands in his lap in shame. She'd won his respect from week one, and she knew she had to use it carefully as he stood on the edge of a cliff in his brain, "Firstly, stop getting Chris to do your work. It won't be helping either of you."

"I know..."

"Your teachers have said it to me and how it's obvious you're either copying or he's blatantly been doing it for you."

"I'm sorry." she was the only teacher that could genuinely get him to feel remorseful.

"If that means you need less prep, just come and talk to me about it."

"I...I need less..." Dan admitted.

"Okay, I'll talk to your teachers about it. See? It's easy. But Dan, we also need to address how you've been talking to your teachers. You snap when they ask questions, you've sworn at them, you've stormed out of class a couple of times..."

Dan sat in silence, looking tearfully up at Mrs Blackwell, "I'm sorry."

"I'm not the teacher you need to be apologising to." she smiled honestly.

Dan nodded, taking in a breath, "And the students?"

"We've had complaints. If what you said is true, Dan, and that they're wondering why you haven't been expelled...well, you should've been and you haven't because of your parents' deaths. It's a leeway you shouldn't be abusing, yet you are." she looked at him firmly, "Don't go thinking you need to stick up to this reputation, either. Just keep your mouth shut and your hands down, if you don't disturb kids they won't disturb you."

"Okay." Dan agreed.

"Now, on an entirely different note, it's your fourteenth birthday next term; what do you want to do for it?" she had an expression that told the boy she was genuinely excited for him. He didn't share the same enthusiasm, but he felt like he had to at least pretend he did.

"Uh..." he thought. He'd barely moved past December, let alone having his birthday when he came back after the Easter holidays. He shrugged, "What can I do?"

"Well, most the boys involve their whole house year, but you can just have Chris, and you can go somewhere, or do something...?"

Dan stared blankly at her, only thinking about "bowling" like all the other boys had done this year. He smiled, "Uh, can I go to Pizza Hut with Chris and to the cinema?"

"Definitely." she nodded, writing it down on her hand, "We'll sort that out closer to the time then, yeah?" her student nodded, shifting excitedly in his seat, "Say what...if you don't get a single detention until then, you can have twenty pounds worth of snacks for the two of you, too."

Dan laughed to himself, "You know I got thirty this term?"

"Guess you've got to sort that out then, don't you?" she deviously grinned.

He nodded back, "S'pose so."

"Now, how about you show me the song you were playing on the piano before I came in?"