Hate Me Closer (Phan)

Chapter Sixty-Two

There's a moment between performing an action and realising the consequences of it, even when you're drunk and your thoughts are clouded. For Dan, it sounded like a sharp ringing in his ears that screamed until it was tearing at his brain and he was covering his face with his hands to try and shut it all away. Chris had left the room to catch up with PJ in the hallway, brushing him down and swiping back his own fringe in stress. Dan finally tore his eyes to the window, not seeing a single figure in the darkness of the night.

He kept trying to tell himself it was fine because he would've had to have ended it soon anyway, but it bit at his chest while he realised he could have had another term head-over-heels in love with his boyfriend. Their short story could have ended with a peaceful goodbye and a wish to cross paths again in the future, but he'd fucked that up and he knew it.

"Why?" he asked himself. He looked up and his back ran with shivers. The words sounded as hopeless as he felt and he knew it was just a teenage relationship, but it was so much more to him than that. If he'd have allowed himself to, he and Phil would've dreamt every day about their future together and planned every little moment out, but he always kept those conversations at a distance because an email two years ago suggested he should.

He didn't want to stand up. If the room could've closed in on him and crushed him into nothing but a particle, he'd have taken the offer. Maybe then he'd be as small as he felt in a life he couldn't control. However, he could take charge of it as far as where he was going to be educated for the next five years went, but it was the life after then that he feared.

He kissed Chris. He wasn't attracted to Chris. It made sense to him and the time and he hoped that he'd enjoy it so he knew that it was just uncontrollable teenage hormones, because if it was, it meant he didn't love Phil. It didn't quite work out like that, though. He hated the kiss and he wanted to take it back instantly because it was weird to kiss your best friend, but that was then doubled when he realised the boy he truly loved stood in the distance, looking completely shattered.

"PJ didn't see what happened." Chris admitted, standing in the doorway with his arms crossed, "He saw you crying, then he asked me if I saw Phil go back to Crossings when he came inside."

Dan sat in shame as he nodded, the blood pumping in his hands and feet as he whispered, "Did you tell him?"

"I told him to give Phil space and that you were...breaking down, I guess." the youngest boy shrugged, "You need to speak to Phil now, and I mean now."

Dan's brown eyes looked as though the colour had been covered in smoke and his pupils shied away from everything around him. He hid from the displays on the hallway walls as he trod the short distance outside; he cowered away from the lights in the house windows, and the mockery of the stars from above. He didn't deserve Phil and anyone that knew their entire story would have agreed.

He took in a breath and sniffled, wiping his eyes as his hand hovered over the handle to his room. He grasped it and reluctantly turned it, seeing Phil staring blankly out of the window by his bed. He knew that his boyfriend was aware he was there, but neither of them knew how to start the conversation, or even wanted to. The older boy was very obviously hurt, but he wasn't sure what he needed to say to receive his forgiveness or if he wanted it, even.

"I-" Dan tried.

"It was a drunk kiss that you did while you were upset." Phil nodded, still not looking at his friend, "You waited fifteen minutes before coming to see me and you're broken." he sighed, turning to the frail shadow in the room, "I'm not hurt because you kissed Chris. I'm hurt because I don't know why."

"What?" Dan squeaked, close to tears again.

"Don't ask me why I'm not furious with you, I don't know. Maybe I'm willing to be fucked over backwards for you because I love you. I thought you trusted me, but you obviously don't because if you did then you'd have said something before you pushed your lips against our friend's!" Phil was shouting now, with water scraping down his cheeks and his features burning red, "So?" he spat, "Tell me why you kissed him."

Dan waited in silence. He tugged at his sleeves until he pulled his arms around his stomach, looking at the floor with his body on fire.

"You're not even going to tell me now?" any anger spat away and Phil was left sounding hopeless. He took a breath in before he looked out of the window again, "Are you going to tell me?"

"I..."

"Yes or no." the older boy growled.

"No." it was as though Dan had pulled away the bottom playing card in a neatly stacked triangle. There was a breath over both of them before there was nothing.

"Your coat is the navy one. I remember because it matched your shoes when we bought them." Phil mumbled, "I want my favourite jumper back that you stole from me. Keep the rest, I don't care."

"Phil?"

"Don't." the blue-eyed boy closed himself away, "You kept running, and running, and running, and now I don't know who you are asides from a boy I fuck, and I think that's all you want to be to me. If it isn't, you'd have said something in October when I began to lose you, or you'd have at least said something now." he looked back a final time, "So, are you going to say anything?"

Dan shook his head, his lip bitten between his teeth and his face devoid of expression.

"Then it would be a pretty wise thing not to say anything at all. Goodnight, Dan. Good fucking night." yet he didn't start getting ready for bed, instead he sat on his pillow in jeans and his hoodie, biting on the chords as he dreamt of running away.

"Goodnight." Dan repeated to himself as he stood helplessly still, "Goodnight." he heard it again before he took his toothbrush and bit it between his teeth.