Run Wild Horses

Chapter 31

You can't put reins on a wild palomino
And you won't make a rolling stone stay
Long as God's still at church and hard work still works
And that collar on my shirt's still blue
I'll never stop loving you
I can't change your mind, can't change the weather
And if you need some time to run free
I made you a promise for worse or for better
Even though missing you's killing me

Nothing more was said that night after Ryan expressed that we may not have a future together. There really wasn't anything more to say. We both turned over to our respective sides of the bed and went to sleep. At least Ryan did anyway.

The ride to the airport the next morning and the flight back home was nothing but awkward silence. I still had no idea what to say, and I guess Ryan didn't either.

After leaving the airport, we stopped by Erin's to pick up Sturgill and Shelby. We made small talk for a few minutes, both Ryan and I putting on a face and acting like nothing was wrong other than we were both tired. Upon arriving back at Ryan's house, I loaded my bag and Shelby into my car.

"Are you going home?" He asked.

"Yeah. We are flying out for Kentucky early in the morning and I have to pack. Maybe it's for the best." I nearly whispered the last sentence.

"Yeah. It probably is for the best. I won't be there until later in the afternoon." Despite my near whisper, he heard me.

"Alright. I'll see you there then." I said, feeling like I was on the verge of tears.

"Yeah." He replied, looking down at the ground, both hands in his pockets. He looked so...unapproachable, so I just climbed into my car and he turned back to his house.

No hug. No kiss. No I love you. No have a good flight. Nothing.

Did we just break up sometime between last night and now?

My head was pleading with him to turn back around and ask me to stay, or to give me something. Anything.

********

Upon arriving home, I was desperate for a distraction. I did laundry, packed for the weekend and did a little cleaning up, but it wasn't even dark yet. The loneliness and unresolved issue with Ryan was weighing heavily on my mind. I was tempted to drive back to his house, or at least call him, but I sensed he needed some space. That was probably why he had no issue with me leaving.

I was very afraid that we were over.

I sat out on the back deck with Shelby and gave into the tears that had been threatening to fall since last night. My heart was breaking.

I cried for hours, finally it was getting late, and I decided to try to get some sleep since I had to be up early the next morning to fly out to Kentucky.

Crawling into bed alone was the worst feeling. No matter how many blankets I wrapped around myself or how many pillows I bunched up around me, my bed felt so cold and alone.

Even if we didn't actually break up, I didn't know how we would get through this, and it was all on me.

I could tell him why I wasn't sure about having children, or I could let him go.

I certainly didn't want to let him go, but if I told him my reasons, would he understand?

How could I have been so stupid to think that this topic of conversation would not come up? Granted we have not been together long, but this was a serious relationship. We had exchanged 'I love you's', we had never spent a night apart since we got together. I was in this for the long haul, yet I left out something important of myself. Something that he should have learned about me a long time ago. Something that I was going to have to explain, and it pained me. It was either that or let him go.