Run Wild Horses

Chapter 35

If you got a chance, take it, take it while you got a chance
If you got a dream, chase it, 'cause a dream won't chase you back
If you're gonna love somebody
Hold 'em as long and as strong and as close as you can
'Til you can't

Ryan's POV

I only took about fifteen or twenty minutes before we reached our destination. Sam was quiet as she drove along the winding, back country roads, handling the car with ease and familiarity, as if she had driven this route numerous times. I reminded that she most likely had. I didn't speak because I knew she had a lot on her mind that she was sorting through.

She pulled into a cemetery behind a small white church, put the car in park and cut off the engine. She took a deep breath before finally looking at me. "Thank you for coming here with me." She said softly, taking my hand. She was giving me yet another glimpse of her vulnerable side, one that she rarely shows. 

"I told you I'd go anywhere with you." I smiled at her, as I squeezed her hand.

"Ready?" She asked, unbuckling her seatbelt.

"Ready." I replied back, unbuckling my own seatbelt and getting out of the car.

She laced her fingers through mine as she led us along rows of gravesites. It was a beautiful fall day, although it felt more like summer. Sam had always told me Louisiana didn't have much of a fall. It was not unheard of to be in or near the 90's this time of year. I could believe it. The air was still, not a hint of a breeze. Thick, stifling and heavy with humidity, and I could feel my clothes sticking to me already.

She finally stopped at a headstone. The name MATTHEW JOSEPH MCCOY etched into the granite. There was a concrete bench opposite the gravesite. I took a seat and watched as she straightened the flower arrangement that was in the attached vase. She then sat next to me.

"Hi daddy. I know it's been a while since I've been by." She said softly, her voice choked in emotion. She then turned and looked at me. "I come here a lot, or I used to before I moved away. I just like to come here and talk to him sometimes. You probably think that's crazy." She laughed a little.

"Not at all. I think it's sweet. I know how much you miss him."

She nodded, then turned back to the headstone. "You were so right daddy, when you said I would love North Carolina. I love it so much." She took my hand in hers. "This is Ryan. He's very special...he's my everything. I wish you could have met. You really would have liked him."

She stopped for a few moments, I guess to collect her thoughts. "I know I don't need to give you a recap of everything going on in my life and with mom and everything else, because I know you are still with us, I just.... I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I'm not upset that mom is moving on, I just never expected it to be with Uncle Randy. I just wish that you could give me some kind of sign or something to let me know that you are okay with this, because I don't know if I can be otherwise. I just need some kind of clarity. Something to let me know that you are listening and that you...that you understand what I'm asking for. I know I've never believed in signs before, but right now I just need you to throw me a bone. Please. Humor me. Just give me something. Anything." She pleaded, and my heart was hurting for her because I honestly didn't see how she would get the answers she was looking for here.

We sat quietly for a several long minutes. She laid her head on my shoulder as the air changed a bit and a slight breeze blew her hair against my cheek, and she sighed in resignation. "I knew this was crazy, but I had to do it. It's true, I've never believed in signs before, so why should I now? I'm a realist, often times a skeptic. I don't know what I was thinking. What I was hoping for." She looked so disappointed, almost as if she expected a flashing neon sign to tell her what she needed to hear.