Run Wild Horses

Chapter 25

In the circles I've been running
I've covered many miles
And I could search forever for what's right before my eyes
Just when I thought I'd found it
It was nothing like I'd planned
When I got my heart around it, it slipped right through my hands
Here with you I feel it
I close my eyes and see it

Maybe you should just move in here.

Oh shit!

The words that came out of Ryan's mouth set off an alarm inside of me, like a bomb had just been dropped and was steadily ticking away. They were spoken so casually though that I must have not heard them right. He was looking at me waiting for a response. Maybe I didn't imagine it.

"That's a terrible idea." I blurted out, not intending it to sound so harsh, but the initial shock had yet to wear off.

"What's so terrible about it?" He asked.

I took a deep breath and tried to collect my thoughts for a moment. There was a part of me that wanted to pull away, put some distance between us because things are moving so fast. Because I'm falling so hard and fast. The other part of me wants to cling to him and never let go, but I'm still afraid. Even though I want to trust him, and on some level, I really do. I just can't let go of my overall trust issues. "Ry, we haven't even been together a week. It's too much too soon."

"I love being with you Sam." He looked hurt, and that was the last thing I wanted. He said he loved being with me, but he hadn't said he loved me. Either he didn't love me or he just wasn't there yet, or perhaps he was waiting for me to say it. Well, I wasn't going to be the first to drop the L bomb. I had made that mistake before, and always wondered if the words were only reciprocated because I had said them first. I wasn't going to make that mistake again. I would be honest on my other feelings though.

"I love being with you too Ryan, but I'm scared we are moving too fast. For the first time in my life, I am on my own. I need my own place, my own space. I need it for me. I don't want to find myself being dependent on anyone. I need to know that I can stand on my own two feet."

"I like going to sleep next to you, and you waking up in my arms. I've gotten so used to that over the last few days." He said sadly.

"We can still have that. Some days it will be here, some days at my place, wherever that happens to be. That doesn't have to change Ryan. I just need something for myself."

He nodded as if he understood. "I can hook you up with a realtor. Do you know what you are looking for?" So maybe he understood after all.

"Well, I just got the idea and have barely looked, but I just need something small, no more than two bedrooms. I do have a list of things I would like to have." I replied, getting excited thinking about how I would love a big front porch with a swing. A separate tub and shower. Fireplace A backyard to hang out in with friends, maybe a deck. A few trees for shade. A pool or hot tub would be nice, but not very realistic. I had a good amount saved up and was making a nice salary, but not that nice. I relayed all my hopes and dreams for a place of my own, realizing I was describing my childhood home, only on a much smaller scale. I thought I would feel silly even talking about it, but for some reason, I didn't. Ryan was so easy to talk to and to open up to.

"Sounds perfect. So what's the first thing you're going to do when you get your house?" He asked, actually looking interested, which was so new to me.

"Get a dog." I replied, without hesitation.

"Really? What kind of dog?" His eyes lit up.

"Something small. Easy to travel with, that can fit in a little carrier. Provided you and Sturgill have no issues with another dog on the bus." I said with a smile.