Run Wild Horses

Chapter 30

There's all day thinkin' time
And all night drinkin' time
And time to sing and time to find if
Rhyme has a reason
Time to pack it in and stay down
Pack it up and walk away now
Give it one more day or call it a season

I stepped into the shower letting the hot water pour over me. Tears burned in my eyes, but I refused to shed them. No way was I going to let the things Ryan had said make me cry.

I adjusted the water to as hot as I could stand it, as if the if would wash away the shame I felt. I've never felt so called out before in my life.

Other than Steven, and me drunkenly mentioning my college boyfriend, Ryan and I never talked about our past relationships, they were just that...past. I never asked him anything and he never asked me.

He really struck a nerve when he made the comment about me being with Adam and J.T. at the same time because it was true. Adam and J.T. were teammates and friends. I can't explain how it happened other than the fact that I went a little crazy during my first couple of years of college and mentioned to Adam, who I had been dating for a few months that I had a fantasy of being with two guys at once. I wish I could say that it only happened one time, but it didn't. It was multiple times, at least until Adam and I had become serious. Ryan knew I had a wild side, and he admitted that he liked it, he just had no idea how wild I truly was.

I was not proud of it, but it happened. I could not change it. I did party a lot during my first two years of college, but then I got it out of my system and I got serious about my education. I thought that I was in love with Adam at the time, but then he got drafted and was moving to Texas in preparation for joining the minors. He didn't ask me to come with him, and at first, that hurt, until I realized I really didn't want to go anyway. We had completely different career paths, and I didn't want to give up everything I had worked for to be a baseball girlfriend, constantly on the road, waiting and praying he would get called up to the majors, putting my career on hold, unsure of where the entire path would take us. I shouldn't have to explain any of this to Ryan, and he had no right to judge me for anything I did in my past. It made me so angry, and so shamed, I could not bear to even look at him. I was not that person anymore.

A knock on the bathroom door startled me from my thoughts.

"Sam, can I come in? We need to talk."  He sounded remorseful, but I was not ready to face him just yet.

"Just go to bed Ryan. When you've sobered up, then we'll talk." I sighed wearily.

Instead of actually listening and going away, he opened the bathroom door and walked in.

"Trust me, I've sobered up." He raked his hands through his hair.

"Then go to bed. I have nothing to say to you right now."

I heard the sound of clothes rustling, and realized he was undressing. Before I could protest, he was stepping into the shower.

I couldn't help but stiffen when he wrapped his arms around my waist. "I'm so sorry baby." He murmured against my ear, and I felt his lips on the side of my throat. I cursed my body when it began to respond to his touch. Damn him. I loved him, but I was so angry I couldn't see straight and yet heat was beginning to pool between my loins.

"You acted like a total ass Ryan." I said, but it was a weak response. I completely failed at summoning my previous anger.

"I know, and I know saying I'm sorry isn't nearly enough. I just don't know what got into me. I can't explain it, but I got jealous when he hugged you, and to hear y'all reminiscing over old times, I felt left out."