Maybe We Should Go Back

The 2020 Awards (brought to you by Suboxone)

Wow! *fans self breathlessly* I'd like to take this opportunity to thank those who have helped me get here. *wipes the whisper of a tear away* Like, I totally would not be standing on this stage right now accepting this 2021 Still Alive Award if you had not been in my life during 2020.

First, I'd like to thank Covid-19. When I first heard of you, I honestly thought you wouldn't make much of an impact on my life. *laughs good-naturedly with members of the audience* I mean, there have been so many pandemics that have tried and failed to do what you've done. I had become jaded. But you changed all that. You changed my way of thinking. You inspired me to become even more cynical than I already was, and I took that cynicism and channeled it into unrelenting anxiety, which I then shoved deep inside the glittery sequined mask I found at Five Below, the one that fogged up my glasses so that I had to choose between risking my life or seeing every time I left the house. And soon, like a rash that you get when you use some new CBD hipster soap, you were spreading and wrecking the whole fucking year. Other pandemics might have stopped after reaching every corner of the planet and fucking both Spring Break and Summer Vacation in the ass, but not you. Not you, my little spiky soccer ball. You kept going. Killing. Destroying. You even took Halloween. That shit was cold. But it doesn't compare to your greatest feats of destruction. In fact, you were such a piece of shit you didn't even spare the kids after awhile, killing some and delighting in making others orphans. So hellbent were you on fucking every single life over, you took out whole families without a second thought. Your legacy will live on forever. No, seriously, forever. For-fucking-EVER, despite how much we will wish we could forget you. I want to pop your spiky soccer ball body like a zit. Then I want to dance on the bodies of your children's children's children and hear their heads burst like bubble wrap. As the vaccine is dispensed, I look forward to watching you starve and die as you choke on the stench of your rotting spawn. Thank you for fucking over 2020 more than anything or anyone else EVER could.

Next, I'd like to thank Donald Trump. Oh where do I start? I definitely wouldn't be standing up here receiving this award without your constant efforts to destroy not only democracy, not only my country, not only what small bit is left of the Republican Party's dignity, but every American life as well. I mean, I gotta admire your tenacity at being such a piece of shit! Few people have ever been as disgusting and insufferable as you are while simultaneously being adored by the ignorant masses. You've successfully convinced half of this country that the biggest threat is not a raging pandemic nor a wannabe dictator attempting a coup in broad daylight, but science and human decency. You're an impeached, one term president who inexplicably still drags along a filthy rabble of disciples who cling to you like Coronavirus clings to the attendees at one of your worship services. Oh my bad, I mean rallies. In just four short years, you've managed to bring this once-great (okay, it was pretty good, definitely tolerable) nation to its knees. Your legacy is rich with death, poverty, starvation, suffering and hate. Even that evil little shit Joffrey from Game of Thrones couldn't have done better at fucking everything over! Having you as a president has been like living out a fantasy story in real life. And by fantasy story I mean the YA Fantasy section at Barnes and Noble. And by the YA Fantasy section I mean Hunger Games.

I'd also like to thank my longtime supporters, drug addiction and depression for making a dark year even shittier. Drugs, thank you for being too obscure and expensive and, thanks to my old pal Tolerance, for not being that great even when I could get my hands on you. Depression, thank you for keeping me isolated, lonely and hopeless enough to create the perfect breeding ground for the worst parts of me to flourish unabated. Without you, I wouldn't be the blank slate that I am today, in need of a complete overhaul from head to toe and inside out.

Finally, I'd like to thank my son, Ethan, for being the one bright spot in an otherwise dark year. Everything good I do and everything good I have left is all for you.

Fuck you, 2020. And 2021? My hopes are pretty low. All I ask is that by this time next year, fewer people will be dying, crying, mourning, suffering, starving and freezing. Thank you. *one person applauds*