Today was just so... emotional. It was the kids' first day back and I had planned before break to have a long talk with them about their behavior. I was so pissed as I started writing everything out that I wanted to say.
Then the break softened me or something. I went back to the PowerPoint and changed a lot of things because I was just feeling compassion for them. I added a slide about survival mode and how we are all in it so we are not at our best. The discussion turned super deep somehow and I ended up sharing about my childhood and how I had to come to the realization that I had to save myself because I had no one else to save my ass since my parents were doped up 24/7. I never got to make stupid decisions or fail classes. I couldn't take the risk of fucking up. I never got to be a teenager.
Now I'm crying.
I feel overloaded with memories of the past. How can it possibly still hurt? How? After 8 successful years of therapy. And still I cry.
Starting the revision on Reaper has dug all this out for me too. I'm just raw.
In fact I'm crying alone in the bedroom because I just feel ashamed of how stupid these tears are and I just had to share this. It's too big and painful to contain and I wanna quit fucking crying. So, here ya go.
YOU ARE READING
Maybe We Should Go Back
SaggisticaI decided to make a space to rant, discuss, review and just get things off my chest. Please note that mental illness and addiction are things I live with, so this might be triggering to some. I'm holding nothing back.
