Maybe We Should Go Back

Falling apart

So something I have not talked about is the fact that I've been pretty much constantly sick since school began in August.

Ethan brought home loads of viruses from daycare for months, almost all of which I shared with him. And then my yearly breathing issue developed around Thanksgiving. It's gotten totally out of hand and I may have to take a leave of absence now.

The stress compounded with lack of oxygen has zapped every bit of my energy. I've missed so much work. Yesterday I had to tell my principal what is going on because I'm out of vacation days and I'm having to take days off unpaid now. There are no subs in my district and everyone is starting to resent me because of the extra work they have to do when a teacher is out, so I just confessed it all.

This has been a hard year but I do like the school and would like to stay next year and I'm trying to keep my job. I received one of the worst observations of my life the other day because they came in and the kids were off the wall and I was just sitting at my desk because I don't have the energy to move and they marked me down in every category they could think of. It was like a kick in the face when I'm already on the ground. That started the chain of events that led to my "confession."

The doctor sent me for a slew of lab tests today and they drew about five vials of blood to find out what the hell is wrong with me, why I am always sick and why I can't seem to get better from the breathing thing. I came home and immediately went to sleep. The bad thing is I can't even hug Ethan because I don't want him to get sick, and I offered to sleep on the couch since I don't want my husband to get it either but he said he would let me have the bed since I'm the sick one.

The constant sickness and financial worries have plunged me into a very bad place. Pretty much the worst place I've been since that time they had to put me in the institution two years ago. The only thing that keeps me out of there today is Ethan.

I feel totally hollowed out. My body is falling apart and I don't have the strength to even pretend to be normal right now. The stress at work is relentless like a war that just won't end. I'm seconds away from a total breakdown mentally and physically at any given moment. I just want to feel good again.

Part of me wonders if one of these viruses I got might have been Covid and maybe I have long-Covid now. It would explain a lot. I wish I had tested myself each time I got sick, but until omicron I was relying on the vaccine and really believed it was protecting me. Now I realize the vaxxed get it just as much as the unvaxxed. I guess this is what the labs will try to do- pinpoint the cause for my physical decline.

I'm also, well we are also, actively trying to get pregnant again so I fear if I don't get better it will keep me from getting pregnant or will hurt the baby. I'm feeling the baby fever bad now that Ethan is growing up (we threw out his last onesie and I about cried). I want a squishy little newborn in my arms again! Ethan is getting so cute though and has started saying I Love You. It kills me! I do miss the baby days though. I really do. Time is just going too fast!