Maybe We Should Go Back

Thoughts before midnight

I had these huge hopes for 2021. I really thought 2020 would be referred to in history books as "the year of the pandemic." As in, the only year.

Yet, here we are, gearing up for ride 3. I'm worn out wearing a mask. I'm tired of worrying about getting Covid after being vaccinated 3 times. I'm tired of agonizing over the thought of Ethan getting it because he can't get vaxxed. I am so tired of doing the right thing so that anti-maskers/vaxxers can live the life we all want back and pretend this isn't real. If I didn't give a shit about my fellow man and had the ability to completely ignore reality, I guess I could be carefree too. Some of us are just cursed with a brain. I know I am not the only one feeling weary, and others are also grieving on top of it, so I won't keep complaining about this.

Instead I want to talk about the good that 2021 has given me. I will place no hope or expectations on 2022. All we really have is the past.

This year I learned what it's like to be a mother to a toddler. Ethan is challenging but he gives me enormous heaps of joy and happiness every day that cancel out any tiredness and any frustration I may feel. He makes me laugh. He makes me be silly, makes me dance, makes me wear wacky costumes and sing nonsense songs. In short, he's letting me have the childhood I never got to have. One free of worries and full of magic. I'm learning how to play.

I'm happy, and I'm not even trying. I don't have to work at positivity anymore. When I see his face it just happens. I never imagined this depth of love existed. Everything I do is for him. No matter how much I suffer at work, I will do it forever because it's for him. This is the purest love that exists. It's wholly different than the love for my husband, which is just as deep but a very different type of love.

I believe every person should try to have, foster or adopt a child just so they can know this depth of love exists. I have never loved anything or anyone like I love my son. This love has changed me.

This year I am also ready to love myself again and take care of myself. I've been so angry with myself for so long, and I'm ready to let it go. The past may be all we have but it is not all we will receive.

I feel a huge amount of hope on this New Year's Eve. Not because I am expecting some magical change at midnight, but because of how I've grown this year. I am finally ready to make some long overdue changes. I've reached this point I never thought I would get to. I'm ready.