Maybe We Should Go Back

Baby 2

Well it's happening. Baby number 2! We are shocked but happy. Didn't see this coming. I've been off my BC for about a year after all so I had stopped thinking about it very much. I'm not looking forward to being pregnant again now that I know all the myriad nuances that can go wrong, but I'm determined to see this one to full term.

This is my last child for sure. I might even have them tie my tubes if it's not that big of a deal. I wanted to try for a girl, but at the end of the day I will be thrilled with a normal and healthy baby. Being a mother has been the best thing I have ever done, and I love every single second. Not ONCE have I thought to myself, "I wish I could go back to life before I had a kid." It's honestly such a joy to take care of Ethan that nothing I do for him gets to me, despite how tired I feel. I know this isn't typical or even normal, so I take this as a sign that I was destined for this, meant to have kids.

This does mean I have to go off Suboxone though. I've been on it for much longer than I should if I'm honest, and it's time to let it go. I'm pretty nervous, but I do know I will guarantee myself 9 months of sobriety because I draw the line at fucking up a defenseless baby. After 9 months though, I'll be scared. I will feel vulnerable. Defenseless. Weak.

I also have to make it to the end of the school year without letting the stress eat away at my body and cause me to miscarry. I am 100 thousand million percent CERTAIN that I had Ethan early due to the stress of working at that god awful school, and I can't let that happen again.

This year has certainly been a bitch though and doesn't show signs of improvement. I'm hanging on by a thread with my boss mostly because I've been able to successfully spin the tale of this sleep apnea bullshit to explain my near-catatonic depressive state. Oh, I found out from the doctor that do actually have sleep apnea though, pretty severe, so I'm not making that part up. In fact it does explain a lot of my constant exhaustion. At least I'm not having to lie. Still though, my performance sucks and it can't be glossed over. It's finally spring break so at least I'm getting to recharge for a week.

I want to do this pregnancy right, if there is such a thing. I mean, Ethan turned out just about as perfect as a human being can get, but I know that because I had him early he will struggle his whole life with being smaller than his peers. He still wears 18 month clothing and he'll be three in October! I feel so guilty over that, even though I logically know it wasn't my fault. When your kid suffers because of something you did, you feel that. Even if you didn't mean to do the thing. Even if the thing was beyond your control. You feel that shit.

Last time I was pregnant I lived on Chick Fil A and classic Coke. God, that was the motherfucking combo! Nothing on this earth tasted better to me. You could have put the delicacies of a thousand nations on my plate, and all I would have reached for was that Chick Fil A and sweet sweet Coca Cola Classic. This time, I'm going to force myself to eat healthy and work out until I give birth. Who knows what wacky combo of food and drink I'll be craving this time, but hopefully I can manipulate it to be something healthier.

I'm not looking forward to pissing my pants all day, wearing Depends, sleeping on my side and eating Tums by the bottle to fight acid reflux, but maybe I'll get lucky and have a pleasant pregnancy. People say the first one is the worst (or am I just making that shit up?).

My appointment to make sure I'm actually pregnant and that everything is OK is March 31. I've taken three different tests though so I'm pretty sure I am. I really hope it's a girl! :)