Maybe We Should Go Back

Spring Updates

The school year is wrapping up, and I don't know if I have a job next year. I kind of want to do virtual again so I signed up to do summer school, since that is the only pool of teachers they will hire from. No word on that yet. 

Part of me does want to go back to physical school because I miss human interaction, but staying home this year has been so stress free with so much extra time to spend with Ethan or on projects; I feel like I will deeply regret giving it up on the first stressful day of regular school, and I don't want to have to go through that mental crisis. 

I'm fully vaxxed now so I'm no longer worried about Covid and I'm open to both possibilities. I guess right now, I will take the first offer I get and that's how I'll decide so I don't have to torture myself dragging it out. I really do miss people. I really do miss teaching actual lessons instead of just grading online work. I really do miss the kids. I just don't miss the constant stress, the classroom management issues, the pop-in principal evaluations (always on your worst days). Not having to deal with all of that has made my life so free of stress, but it's also been quite boring and lonely too. I don't know. I'll pray for guidance.

Now that I'm vaxxed I can finally go back to NA meetings too, which I'm so happy about. I haven't been able to get my Suboxone this month, and I ran out about a week ago. That's because it's 99 dollars for every month's consultation and about 300 for the meds. I've been on it for awhile now, so the cravings I'm having are mild at this point, but I still hate having them and want to get back on the medication. I just can't afford 400 bucks a month. I wish insurance covered it but you know how they are. Addiction and mental illness just aren't important or "real" enough to be covered apparently. Speaking of mental stuff, I can also start going back to therapy and EMDR sessions which is great because I have discovered so much about myself in this time away. 

For one thing, my religious beliefs are changing (again). I no longer consider myself a Bible-believing Christian. My doubts about the Bible have been lifelong if I'm honest, but lately they have taken on a new urgency because of the collapse of the church from within due to Trump-worship and all out silliness. I can no longer be part of the "church" as I know it in America. It literally sickens me. I have a physical reaction to MAGA ideology like my entire being wants to get as far away from it as possible.

I haven't believed in the Biblical stories for many years anyway, like Adam and Eve and Noah. I've accepted that most of it is one culture's mythological system. And lately I've begun to accept that the Bible is flawed. Anything made by man is flawed, period. I can't truly know who God is from that book. And when God said his "word" is true, why does everyone think that He's talking about the Bible? No, he's talking about what He says, not what someone thinks He says. So much of it contradicts what I know in my soul to be true, like God wanting to massacre whole towns and being totally cool with killing babies, raping virgins and having 50 wives but somehow he's not cool with gay people. Like, what? I just can't believe that's who God is. I also believe in reincarnation now because there is just too much evidence to ignore. I think when we die everyone is going to be really surprised by the reality of the afterlife and how different it will be from what they've believed their whole lives, so I am just keeping a totally open mind. 

I think the afterlife will be really amazing, and I received a "sign" from my bff Michelle who passed away 6 years ago. Basically I asked for a sign in the form of a seashell (which was just a random thing that came into my mind- no significance to our relationship) to tell me if she is happy there, and many weeks went by without anything, and then I went to her facebook page for no reason yesterday and a person had posted a picture of a seashell tattoo, and the tattoo was tagged with Michelle's name. No context. Just the picture. I accepted it as the sign I've been waiting for, and I know she is at peace. I can't wait to see her. I miss her so much. 

Oh and Ranger. I miss Ranger so much. Nothing has been the same since he died. The house is so empty and silent on these days that I'm alone. I still think before I go to bed, "Is Ranger outside?" or "Is Ranger's water full?" and I have this horrible fish-hook jerk of a reaction back to reality as I remember he's gone. I look outside in the yard for him still. I dream about him most nights. In some he's running away and I can't catch up to him. In others he was still alive when we buried him and he claws his way out of the grave wagging his tail and back to normal. I received his grave marker this week that we ordered, and getting that felt like he died again. I have not been okay since we got that. I did get a tattoo for him. It's a shooting star with little paw constellations around it. It's very cute, and you can't see the paws unless you really stare at it so it's like a little Easter egg in there. I would post a pic but it's in that crusty healing phase right now. Ew.

Ethan is enrolled in a cute little daycare in our neighborhood, and I feel very at peace with it. He starts in August. Right now my in-laws still babysit him during the day, but he's getting to the age of needing social interaction. He's slightly behind with talking, waving, pointing, etc. I feel like being in daycare will help him get caught up. 

Okay, that's enough of an update for now. Goodbye.