Maybe We Should Go Back

Doctor, I'm not saying you were wrong, but...

YOU WERE SO FUCKING WRONG!!!!!

I got your irritable uterus right here, motherfucker!!!

HI MY BABY ETHAN!!!!! I'm your crazy Mommy!!!

Okay, now that I'm not yelling at the doc, here's the story:

So as you know I was in agony for the last two days due to this supposed "irritable uterus."
I didn't sleep at all the night before last despite three muscle relaxers, two grams of morphine, about six Tylenol, several Visteral and my own Trazodone. Nothing helped. The morphine, which I practically had to beg for on my hands and knees, did help me no longer care about the pain so I could sleep for about two hours.

In the morning I kept puking and cramping and begging them to examine me because by then I was sure it was labor. Because I was high risk they refused to examine me to see if my cervix was dilated. Finally this doctor rudely (by then everyone was rude and tired of me) shoved two fingers in and said I was about two centimeters dilated.

I was like, "Okay... that means labor right?"

Nope. He shakes his head. Since no contractions are showing up on the monitor, I'm good. Take another damn Tylenol. My nurse sighs in disgust as I continue to cry helplessly, feeling insane.

Hubby's parents came by around noon. Things were pretty bad then. My mother-in-law told the doctor I had all the signs of labor. Doc just brushed her off again. At this point I'm thinking, "If it's not labor, either me or Ethan is dying today because there can't be this much pain with no explanation." I was feeling panicked about losing him or dying myself from cardiac arrest due to the sheer torture I was under. I couldn't even breathe. My heart was pounding. I was pouring sweat.

All morning I had been "peeing" amniotic fluid. I told the doctor it was gushing out of me. He said it was fine and told me to drink water and try not to vomit anymore. Thanks, doc.

My MIL took me on a walk around the floor because it was kind of helping, and I was just shuffling, gripping the handrails. Hubby was coming and bringing my dog to see me, which I had been waiting for all week. So he finally got there at around one.

They wheeled me outside to see puppy. My dog was acting very strange toward me. Like hesitant. I didn't think much of it. Anyway my in laws left to take him home.

Hubby and I got snacks and headed for the room. I hadn't been able to eat a thing all day so I started on this granola bar. I told hubby I was having contractions and he blew me off too because the doctor said I wasn't.

During the next hour, he changed his mind pretty quickly. I was soon sobbing in agony. I felt this huge pressure in my pelvis like I needed to poo my entire insides out. I went to the bathroom multiple times and I finally felt it. I was pushing something out of the wrong hole.

I screamed for hubby to tell someone I was having a baby. Finally everyone comes rushing in and checking me. Yep I'm fully dilated (wHaT???? HoW cAn DiS bE????). Not one single contraction had showed up on that fucking monitor.

They rushed me, terrified, to labor and delivery, telling me not to push. I wasn't pushing, my body was! I was screaming with pain. It's as bad as the movies, y'all, maybe even worse. It was the pain of a thousand deaths that I cannot even describe. I begged them for drugs because I thought I might go into cardiac arrest or respiratory failure just from the pain.

"ToO lAtE," they said.

Yeah, it sure was too fucking late because not one goddamn person in that hospital believed me until I was having a baby over a toilet! Fuck I was so fucking pissed. I still am.

Anyway it was go time. I pushed and pushed and these guttural, primal screams were coming out of me that scared even me. Like I said earlier, I'm not a screaming, crying type, but that pain had me on my knees! Hubby was so terrified beside me just gripping my hand. A nurse had the other hand and I was so wild and pissed off my goal was to tear someone's fingers off. Lol.

Finally they got Ethan. He was only three pounds (how do people even deliver full term babies? Like, how in the hell? My hat's off to them because just delivering that tiny thing had me tore up and needing stitches). He wasn't crying and they just zipped him away to get him ready for NICU. I saw him in glimpses and was just barely able to hold him and kiss him before they took him.

Then they stitched me up and everyone left the room to follow the baby except one nurse. She gave me fentanyl and I just floated, in shock, in the quiet, the pain finally gone and my body exhausted. I fell in and out of sleep for a couple of hours.

Then she got me up to use the restroom. It was fuckin' Carrie, y'all. We're talking horror movie amount of blood just running down my legs. She helped me clean up and then got me in a wheelchair. Hubby came by and we went to see Ethan in NICU. He was in this glass box and we can't touch him for three days. He is so tiny and beautiful.

I got moved to a new room and learned how to pump, which I have to do every two hours. And yeah... there's my story.

Bottom line, trust your body not your doctor. And do not try having a baby the medieval way. No wonder everyone died back then...