Maybe We Should Go Back

I still exist

Oh my. I didn't mean to let 5 or 6 months go by, but life just happens. I don't know where to even start.

I guess I'll start with school, the main reason I don't have free time to write anymore. The new school is okay. I'm surviving this year. It's been tough. There is a marked difference in the kids. They are showing lots of signs of trauma related to Covid and acting out in all sorts of crazy ways. I've had to adjust my expectations a lot. Behavior wise, this is one of the worst years I've ever seen and everyone else says the same. But I do have some great kids and I like being back in the classroom. I'm probably going to stay here if they renew my contract.

Everyday I come home mentally exhausted. There have been many, many days I just want to walk out and quit. I cry a lot. If I did not have a family I would move back in with my parents to get out of here. That's how bad I feel sometimes.

It's not that I hate the job because I really don't. It's hard to explain. I guess teaching is like when you love someone who treats you like shit. Like, I probably should get out of this whole profession, this is bad for my health, but some part of me feels like I'm doing some good and I really love the kids. I just want things to be easy and, well, that's human. I need to rise above that.

Otherwise things are good right now. Ethan is cuter every day and starting to talk a little. We are going home to Oklahoma next week for Christmas. My dad and brother in law both have Covid (mild cases), so I'm crossing my fingers they will get better and I don't have to cancel the trip. I've been vaccinated 3 times but Ethan is too young. I've been looking forward to this for months and it has honestly been my lifeline, so if I have to cancel I will be devastated.

My marriage has gotten much better. My mind seems to have settled down and I don't let things get to me like I used to. I believe my antidepressants have finally succeeded in helping me be a positive person. Everyone can tell the difference. A lot of stuff just rolls off my back, stuff that would have driven me nuts even a year ago.

I'm taking a psychic development class and I credit that with a lot of the positive changes. I have let go of religion and trying to find answers. Now I gobble up anything I can read or watch about the spirit realm and I am open to millions of possibilities about God. I never realized how miserable religion was making me. Damn.

Last month I even tried to wean myself off the Suboxone. I went from 4 bottles to 3, which is what I've been taking most of the year, but last month I went down to 2. I'm not sure I was ready. I've had major cravings that I haven't felt in months. It's weird what triggers the cravings. For example they were talking about overdose deaths on the news yesterday and that was a trigger for me. Like, how fucked up is that? I also lose it every time someone makes a joke about drugs. You know, the whole, "I'm a chocolate addict and just need to inject it!" That kind of stupid shit. People just don't think. I didn't used to think anything of joking like that either though, but please be conscious before you do because you could send someone into a fight they don't have the strength for.

I have an appointment tomorrow and I'm pretty certain they will put me back on 3 because you are not supposed to have any cravings at all. I also finished the two bottles too early and now I'm in withdrawal, twitching like a squirrel at night and can't stop fucking yawning and grinding my teeth. Fun times. The saying that you are "always" an addict has never been more true for me. I can't pretend that part of me is gone because it so isn't. It's merely pacified.

I'd like to start writing again. Not sure what. I do need to finish the rewrite on Reaper and would like to rewrite Cricket and change a whole bunch of stuff I'm not happy with. I miss writing.

I'm going to end this now. I have class starting soon. Will write again when I can (I plan to make this a priority now).