Maybe We Should Go Back

Suboxone

It's day 3 of being on Suboxone. The dope cravings have mostly stopped, and I've been able to sleep through the night since I started taking them. Suboxone acts like an opiate so your brain thinks you're getting a fix, but the other half of the med is Naloxone (Narcan), which makes it impossible to get high. Basically, it takes away withdrawal symptoms AND cravings because your brain is tricked into thinking it's already high. Ingenious. 

The doctor I spoke with gave me a week's supply and I have another appointment this week to update him on how things are going. Then, hopefully, I will get a month's supply and go from there. This shit is SO expensive. It was almost $200 for ONE week's supply, but I found a goodrx coupon, thank God, so I only paid $45. A month's supply looks like it costs $500 or more! But the goodrx coupons make it $200 bucks. That's still a lot of money, but it's worth it. I won't be on this forever and not going through withdrawal makes it worth it. I didn't even realize how bad my symptoms were until I took that first dose and my mind and body calmed down. I was so twitchy, restless, shaking, sick, depressed, pissed off and miserable. Now I'm normal again.

This came just in time because my regular dealer moved and it's almost impossible to find a trustworthy connection in this city without just asking every random junkie you find. That was about to drive me to the dark web, which is super dangerous because the cops monitor the hell out of that shit. Once you put in your address to get drugs delivered, your place will be on their watch list forever. I've visited the dark web many times to look around but have never actually bought anything there, but I could feel myself getting desperate enough to do so. A bunch of the sellers are scammers who just take your money. Then, if you do find someone trustworthy, you have to deal with getting it delivered to your address without anyone becoming suspicious. 

Sometimes the cops will just wait and see if you pick up the package, and then a day later they will come raid your house and find the drugs and arrest you. At that point you can't feign that it was a mistake or an accident. It's true that the cops don't USUALLY come after the buyer, just the seller, but that word "usually" is not good enough for me. I couldn't live anymore if I was separated from Ethan. No risk is worth losing Ethan. Not to mention my job, my teaching license, my reputation and possibly my marriage.

Speaking of family, I cancelled our trip to Oklahoma for Thanksgiving. Damn that was awful. I cried so hard, but the risk was not worth it. The cases are so bad there because NO ONE will wear a damn mask or do anything to mitigate the spread (it's Trump country). My brother and brother-in-law now know for certain they have been exposed at work. My mom works at a daycare, so she will probably be exposed soon if she hasn't already. When the cases were bad here, they were mostly in Miami (6 hours away). But in Oklahoma, it's different. The numbers are absolutely staggering. I can't believe so many are getting sick and dying because they wanna prove to Trump how tough they are (obviously not everyone who gets infected or dies are stupid, but a lot of stupid people are driving this pandemic, and those people need to be called out for the idiots they are). I saw on the news this nurse said that some patients are refusing their final facetime calls with family because, even though they are on their DEATH BED from Covid, they still refuse to admit the virus is real or that they are sick.

I absolutely cannot understand this break from reality. Why do people choose to not believe reality? I mean, yes it's hard to face bad things. I get that. But to actually live in a fantasy world? I don't understand how someone could do that, let alone WHY. I knew this phenomenon was real because I've witnessed it when the Pulse shooting happened here. My sister refused to watch the news or acknowledge the tragedy. That just baffles me. You always have to accept the truth, no matter how hard. You HAVE TO ACCEPT REALITY. 

Things here are becoming weirder and scarier every single day. Like this gigantic percentage of people who think the election was "rigged" despite no proof and no evidence. At some point, Trump supporters have become a dangerous nuisance instead of just an amusing joke. I used to just chuckle and roll my eyes, but we can no longer ignore the massive rejection of REAL LIFE in America. 

How do we de-program these people?! You can't reason with them, you can't present evidence and they won't ever see your point of view because in their eyes you are just part of the conspiracy. How can you possibly save people like that? No matter what you do or say, they will just believe you're part of the "liars". They don't trust the media, they don't trust witnesses, they don't trust the courts, they don't trust the politicians, they don't trust the investigators. They ONLY trust Trump and each other. How did we get here? It's only been 4 years! And in 4 short years, almost half of this country has lost their minds! FOUR YEARS! Jim Jones had decades! How does Trump hold such sway over these people?! I seriously don't understand this surreal world in which I now live. Everything feels like one of those dumb ridiculous nightmares that makes you laugh with relief when you wake up. I'm still waiting to wake up.