Maybe We Should Go Back

The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

"To be, or not to be, that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die—to sleep,
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd.
To die, to sleep;
To sleep, perchance to dream"

-Shakespeare, Hamlet

I remember reading Hamlet in high school when we came to this part. I knew what it meant until line 6, "No more." Now that I'm older, I understand it all. When life has completely beaten you, destroyed you and taken every single hope or dream you've ever had, do you continue to suffer, continue to beg a silent Heaven, or do you let yourself die? My teacher said something that day that I will never forget, because no one on earth, including me, had ever been able to speak the words that described my entire being: "He just wants to disappear."

Years later, I went back to my favorite teacher and told her the importance of that line and how it woke me up to how severely depressed I was... used to be... and still am. She didn't remember saying it. That sentence changed me. I felt defined by it, imprisoned by it. And though it was at least fourteen years ago, I know those words are still in my soul. "She just wants to disappear."

And yet here I am. I've ignored that voice for 33 years. Fighting like hell. Sticking around. Getting back up over and over. And saying a huge Fuck You to everything that has tried, sometimes intermittently, often continuously, to take my last strength.

Now, when I feel I don't have any fight left, Ethan has become my fight. All I am is him. If I make it through this and he lives, I will rest in peace. I will rest knowing that my life is complete and it's over.

I just have to make it.

But he is dying.

My baby, my last hope, my last strength, is dying.

I'm 28 weeks pregnant tomorrow. At this time yesterday, my hubby and I were packing to go on our "baby moon" to Disney (stay-cation) and stay at the hotel I've always dreamed of staying at. We had the whole weekend planned. Dinner reservations, a day in the parks, shopping, relaxing by the pool, etc. After a horrible week, I was so excited to get away. Just one thing to do: a routine OB appointment in the morning.

I went to that appointment wearing no makeup, promising hubby I'd be back and would pack my bathroom stuff as I put on my makeup and did my routine. Only, I never got to go home. I won't see home again in a long, long time.

At the appointment it was discovered that my cervix has shortened and was actually closing: not normal, not good. As they looked further they realized that my water had broken. No telling when, but I believe it was this week. I was vomiting so hard from the antibiotic they gave me for the UTI that I thought I'd die. You ever thrown up like that? Like your body just won't quit even though there is nothing in your stomach, your face is red, your eyes are streaming and you can't breathe? That's what it was like. My diaphragm felt like it was being ripped apart.

Anyway, the worst of that vomiting happened on Monday night. Tuesday, I could stop taking the antib's. I felt better. I felt great. I knew I was leaking fluid, but since I pee every fucking five minutes and at the slightest normal human movement, I just figured it was pee. No big deal. Change your Depends. Move on with your life.

Apparently I've been leaking amniotic fluid. My uterus is draining. Ethan is in there at 28 weeks with my womb leaking his life source. I imagine the fluid getting lower and lower. Is he panicking? Is he scared? Does he know what's happening? I don't know. Yesterday and last night, as I continued to leak amniotic fluid all night, he was all I could think about.

My doctor immediately sent me to the hospital from my appointment yesterday. They ran some more tests, concluded I'm leaking amniotic fluid, and immediately admitted me. The goal? I could give birth any day, but they're trying to keep Ethan inside until he has a better chance of survival. Either way, I am here at this hospital until I either give birth and Ethan is put in the ICU or until I'm 34 weeks pregnant (which is in 6 weeks), at which point they will induce my labor and I'll take him home then (I think).

All day yesterday I was in complete shock, unable to feel anything except fear.

Hubby cancelled the whole trip. We haven't yet heard about getting back the thousand bucks we spent on the hotel. Hell, I haven't even had a chance to  tell my boss I'm not coming back to work... maybe ever. I don't know. I didn't get to kiss my dog goodbye. I didn't get to say goodbye to my students. As much as they've annoyed me, they're still my kids and I still love them. What will they think when I just... don't come back on Monday? Don't come back ever?

There are countless fears swirling through my head, but my biggest is Ethan's survival. Can he make it? Even to next week? Either way he'll be a preemie, but if he can just live, have even a chance, I can breathe again.

I'm toying with the idea of going dark on the internet for a long period of time. Too many demands from too many people, too much social media, too many responsibilities, too many expectations. I can't. I have to walk away.

The only way I'll stay connected is if my writing on here is actually helping me cope. Wattpad family, please do me a favor though and expect absolutely nothing from me. Nothing at all. I might not review you upon request. I might not write you back. I might not be able to say thank you to the most amazing reviewers. I might not be able to follow people who follow me.

I'm not angry. I'm just trying to keep my baby alive. He is everything to me now. Lower your expectations to absolute zero, please. And don't get offended when I live up to that expectation.

Love everyone. Off for now.