I Guess They Never Disappear

Chapter 24

Jared POV

The insecurities cut deep. 

They always have. They always will. I thought I was past this, though, the feeling that I'll never have enough to be Evan's friend, or boyfriend, or really even that to anybody at all. 

Apparently not. 

I don't know why I let my guard down, why I believed for even a second that it might all be okay. It's never okay. The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman is just a lonely fool. 

Maybe Evan thinks I don't notice, how he's pulled away these past few weeks. The first part of our relationship was perfect, in any sense of the word. In reality, it was messy, as all fledgling relationships are. Especially messy for the two of us; both of us have always had our own battles to fight, so it was no surprise when they carried over. 

Yet for a bit, maybe we were actually able to combat that, in a sense. We didn't talk about much, but we communicated, at least. Evan would talk to me when he felt anxious about something, and I could tell him about some of the insecurities that plagued me. 

(Only the most superficial. The deeper ones I have never bothered, and most likely will never bother to reveal. Thoughts of him leaving me when he finds out how weak I really am are an effective deterrent in preventing me from doing anything.)

Maybe that was what pushed us apart. 

I don't know. I don't think I'll ever know. 

And it bothers me. 

All I really do know is that a few weeks ago, Evan stopped talking to me as much. Maybe it was before then when things changed. I don't really know for sure. There's no timeline that I can draw up, no boxes I can tick, no comparison that I can make to figure out what happened. 

It might've been my fault. 

It was probably my fault. 

I don't know what I did. 

But I had to have done something, right? Evan wouldn't just... do this for no reason, no? There's some sort of missing puzzle piece, some screw in the machinery that has come loose and fallen out of line, and now it's rolling around on the floor of the factory that is our relationship, the bond between our hearts. 

And I'm the clueless idiot searching around for it on my knees. 

Evan doesn't tell me when he's feeling anxious about big things anymore. I mean, he does, in a way. Sometimes, if I look at him for long enough when he's showing the signs of having something on his mind, he'll tell me what it is if he notices that I've been looking. 

The conversations feel disingenuous. I'm not being lied to in an obvious way, but that's what bothers me. If it was obvious, maybe, then I could pass it off as insecurities about the problem, especially if it only happened once or twice. 

But it doesn't. It happens every time he notices. 

His words are not incorrect, and I know that it is not within my power to say that that isn't what Evan is anxious about, because that's not how mental health works. You know yourself better than anyone, and so I know I should take his words at face value. 

I can't. I feel like something else is there, beneath the surface. 

And that's not the only thing. Because, of course, he only notices sometimes. Most of the time, he's too caught up in whatever he's doing to notice the pointed look, the unspoken 'are you okay' that I try to convey with my eyes.

Sometimes I watch him pick at his nails and rub his hands along the couch but when he notices me he's 'corrected' himself to sit relaxed; his shoulders often slump then but not in a comfortable way, for he's still definitely posing, in a manner of words. 

He thinks that he's hidden then, because those times when I ask him if something's wrong, he tells me that he isn't always anxious about everything and that I don't need to ask him if he's okay when he's most clearly okay. 

It's a lie and I don't have the energy to call him out on it. 

Calling him out means laying it bare that I know he's up to something, and I know it's the right thing to do. I'm not brave enough to do it. What if the thing he's been pondering in secret (although I understand completely that he does not owe me the complete machinations of his mind) is our relationship? What if it means the end?

It is often said that there is a choice to be made between the unpleasant truth and the blissful state of ignorance, and I'm caught in the middle. 

I know too much to be happy, but too little to actually assuage any of my fears. 

There are too many of my own thoughts, unfortunately, that support the idea that he would hate me. Why wouldn't he? 

Physically, I'm not that pretty or handsome or whatever you want to call it. Average, I guess. I don't look terrible. 

My personality, though. Well. That's a bit more of a mess. 

Or more accurately, a fuckton. 

First off, I have an ego that can't be tamed sometimes. I mean, it's up for debate as to whether or not that ego actually matches up with who I really am. Sometimes it seems the exact opposite, paralleled perfectly in a game of twisted irony. You'd think that with all the compliments I'm able to provide as examples for why people should love me that I'd actually believe a few. 

And I thought that I was nothing like Evan. 

Apparently not. 

Besides, that ego still hurts people and annoys people, and drives those away. Maybe it's what drove Evan away. I would be surprised. 

Beneath that, we have the clinginess that doesn't go away, no matter how often I insist that it isn't me. People get annoyed by that, I'm sure.

Afterward, we come to the fact that I struggle to actually trust anyone and form meaningful relationships with people because I'm too afraid of getting hurt which is why I told Evan back in high school that he wasn't of any consequence to me. 

Put that all together and it's not difficult to see why Evan might not like me anymore. 

It doesn't mean that the pain is lessened, by any cost, although I don't technically know that that's what all of this is about. 

(It would make sense that it would have nothing to do with me at all and that some stupid, selfish, and self-destructive part of who I am has just tried to insert myself into a situation that has nothing to do with me at all.)

Once more: I should talk to him about it, but I can't. I won't.

Evan's been staying up later recently, although he never speaks a word about it to me. 

I guess, with these thoughts running through my head, I'll join him. 

It'll only be a few of these sleepless lonely nights, I'm sure. 

A/N: Hi there everybody!

Note to all my readers: make sure you've been taking care of yourself and make sure that you're taking time for mental health breaks. 

Note to my US readers in particular, although this applies to anyone worried about the situation: Hi. I know that right now a lot of people are disappointed, worried, and angry about what happened today in the US Capitol. (If you haven't heard yet, a large group of rioting Trump supporters entered the building with Congress ending up having to evacuate.) Please take some time off the internet to breathe, draw, write, sew, dance, play music, or do whatever else makes you happy. Democracy is going to prevail, and we're all going to be okay, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. Readers from DC/DC area (if I have any), please especially take care of yourself, and stay inside. {Not sure about other parts of the US, so unless you know that you're safe please follow these guidelines also, although you should already probably be staying inside because of Covid.}

Tea of the day was peppermint tea that I enjoyed quite a bit, which is strange as I do not normally like peppermint tea. 

Stay safe everyone, I love you all!

Your dearest author,

Angie

Word Count: 1189