I Guess They Never Disappear

Chapter 15

Jared POV

Evan and I are going to Ellison today to talk about the wedding, which is coming sooner than we would both like it to. I mean, it isn't that  soon, we still have time. Time to do what, I'm not sure. 

It isn't like we can run away or something because I did suggest that about a week ago and Evan had a pretty large panic attack that honestly scared me a little because I've seen him struggle with breathing before but this was much, much worse. 

And then I felt pretty dang selfish afterward because the only reason I suggested it is because pretending to date your crush, if you called Evan that,  for literal months and still figuring out to hide your feelings when you're kissing them a bunch. I probably should find someone to talk to about this problem. I'd be so embarrassed if Ev ever found out. 

That's not, me. I know everything there is to know about dating and relationships, and I'm confident and cool and don't need Evan as a friend to make me feel better about myself. 

Evan is a bonus, of course, because his hair is fanning out like a little halo around his head right now and he has the biggest grin on his face as he leads me through a small forest. The way he talks when he gets to know someone is the absolute most beautiful sound I've ever heard. His voice is joyous, but I don't even feel like that does it justice because saying it's sunshine and light wouldn't even come close, not to mind that it's so cheesy. 

He's telling me some sort of tree facts which is such a nerdy thing to know, I mean, who just knows this much about the common pine or whatever? Evan, Evan does and I feel like absolute shit for telling him all those years that it was stupid or that it would never get someone to like him because of how happy he is right now. 

We finally get to our picnic spot which is this little clearing in the middle of this clump of trees that isn't so dense that it's hard to get into but it's just well-hidden enough that Evan says nobody's going to find us here. 

That's kinda romantic, I mean, but it's not like he intends for it to be that way or anything so I don't intend for it to be that way either. 

Again, I'm fine on my own, or whatever. 

Evan gestures for me to sit down on the now-unfolded picnic blanket before pulling out a sandwich and tossing it to me.

"So," I say as Evan grabs himself a sandwich and his bottle of sparkling water.  

"So," he says, so unlike how he was five minutes ago. And I know, logically, that the topic is what makes him uncomfortable: that's how he gets every time we bring this up, and every time he feels like he needs to reassure me that I'm not the cause of this which, I don't need that anyway, thank you very much, Evan. 

Some of it has to be me though, I'm sure, because would he look this much genuinely uncomfortable if it was someone he actually had a chance of being interested in, but that's not me. It's never been me. And it probably won't be. There'll be another Zoe, soon. I can't get my hopes up again. 

"You good?" he says, and I notice I've been sort of staring in his direction, looking off into the trees. 

"Yeah," I say, carefully unwrapping my sandwich (because that's a task that takes both eyes and both hands), "Just zoned out a little."

"It's fine," he says. 

We eat in silence for a little while and I come to the conclusion that this is most definitely too domestic for me. The Insanely Cool Jared Kleinman has no need for these moments, where everything sort of stops and the world looks a little bit softer like someone put a filter on my glasses. Sitting here with my not-exactly partner is the exact reason I have this rule.