I Guess They Never Disappear

Chapter 11

After that development, Jared and I spend a few uneventful weeks as friends. 

Note how I said a few weeks. 

It's one of our dinners, again. Jared's been coming to these recently, but this week he has some sort of project and can't. And then, of course, Isabel is busy as well, so it's just me and Heidi and Paul. 

I'm nervous about it, of course, for so many reasons. 

First off, these dinners are just stressful, to begin with. 

Second, however, is the Law of Evan Hansen. The Law of Evan Hansen has a very good track record. The Law of Evan Hansen said that something bad was coming, and then there was Thanksgiving. 

So when the Law of Hansen says that something is going to happen in the next few weeks, I believe it. 

And surprise surprise, it's correct. 

The first thing I notice once I'm in the house is a little something lovely I love to call a big fucking ring on my mom's finger. 

You heard that right. 

A Big Fucking Ring. A BFR, if you will. 

So that makes me nervous. 

Because what if my mom, who I've always known, suddenly doesn't want me around. She'll have a new life with her new husband, which I'm assuming Paul is on the road to being. What if Paul just hates me? What if he hates me for being... y'know, bi? What if he hates me for being anxious?

See, he hasn't said that yet, because maybe he's been thinking about how that could cause him to lose my mom. But who wants Evan? Who wants Evan? Jared doesn't want Evan. Heidi doesn't want Evan. Frick, even Evan doesn't want Evan. Maybe most of all. 

And then the pendulum of anxious thoughts slips right back in the other direction because how much more selfish can I get? 

Heidi must want this. 

It's evidenced by the BFR on her finger. 

And this isn't my thing to ruin anymore. One thing I'm really good at besides having things happen to me is ruining things. This is not my choice. It's hers. Plus, speaking of being unwanted, being selfish, and wanting people who don't even have an obligation to you anymore to follow your every little thought is not the way to earn love.

So I say nothing because I have nothing to say. 

We have a nice dinner. Heidi smiles and looks joyful and I regret everything I've ever thought even more. 

Someone needs to take Evan Hansen's brain away, so it can't fuck anything else up. 

Paul puts his arm around Heidi and smiles and then they offer me hot chocolate and ask if we can have a small discussion over on the couches. 

I don't want to do this. 

Heidi is the one to start it. 

"So, Evan, how have you been doing lately?"

"Good... uh the park is frozen over and one of my plants died except you probably didn't need to know that so just good I guess."

Heidi and Paul share a look. I'm sure it means something along the lines of 'Oh God, we better not tell this adult that we're getting married because he's too anxious and won't be able to handle it', which is, to be fair, only a slightly cruel assessment. Slightly cruel because I will be able to handle it, just not well. 

"That is," Paul starts, "Very Nice."

An awkward silence resounds and I'm approximately half a second from filling it because I don't mix with awkward silences and I constantly feel the need to fill them and that doesn't earn any people-liking-you points either.