I Guess They Never Disappear

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Zoe POV

Alana's taking me out on a date today, although I'm not sure where. 

And by I'm not sure where I mean that she told me to dress up and then the two of us got in the car and Alana got on the freeway. 

So basically I've been somewhat-kidnapped by my girlfriend. 

I don't really mind. 

Alana isn't really known for her, um, spontaneity, to put it nicely. I mean, I don't see any reason why that's a bad thing. Planning things out before you do them is kind of important, especially if you're going somewhere or doing something. 

Maybe it's the fact that that she's graduating in just a few weeks, and that she'll finally be done with law school. 

Law school has weighed her down for the past three years. I've had a front-row seat to watch it happen. 

And I'm glad it's over. 

I think we both are. 

Going to school to become a lawyer is stressful, which makes sense, obviously, because if you're going to go into what is often a high-stress profession, you should already have some sort of experience in the lifestyle. I mean, that's what Alana told me all the times I was worried about her health because it seemed like every time I saw her, her smile had become just a little more burdened, a little less easily revealed. 

Of course, I'm not thinking that that's going to stop now, or whatever. Next year is the bar, and I know from all of our late-night talks that that's going to be a whole other set of sleepless nights and falling asleep at the table. 

And then after that, she's hopefully going to be going right into a law firm (although she's warned me that most people don't pass the bar the first time, despite how much they prepare), and she'll be working as a junior lawyer. 

I'm so fucking proud of her. 

She's spent the past three years making so many sacrifices, just so she can go into law to help other people.

According to Alana, she could make more money in the future if she went and became a lawyer for some rich company instead of working for people who aren't going to be able to spend much.

Alana is selfless. She's always been selfless.

I've always been selfish, needing more and more: no, just wanting it. Or so I've thought for most of my life. 

My childhood was always Connor this and Connor that and even though he was being punished and scorned and so many things that there never was for me. 

They say the second child loses the consequences the first one gets, but I think for me it was mostly just the attention.  

After all, I found that my parents cared a lot less than they did about Connor, even if I stretched my leash a little. And then I realized that doing that was just attention-seeking. 

Maybe it was, but all I wanted was parents who would pay attention to me. 

Then I went on the internet and found that 'nobody likes people who do that', because it wasn't my parents' fault that they didn't give me any affection, but mine because I was trying too hard to get it.

Not to mention that Connor was clearly dealing with stuff that our parents didn't give two fucks about, and all I wanted was parents to care about me the same way they did for him?

Selfish.

Now I understand that our parents failed both of us. I mean, I got that concept before, but it was masked by the hate I felt for wanting to be seen and heard, even if it was negative. It's not, and never was, a competition to see who our parents hated more. 

Nobody won.

Anyways, now we're here, and Alana's been a big part of realizing that I wasn't the selfish bitch I had always thought I was, although my parents' words have been battling hers every step of the way.

Speaking of which, another letter arrived yesterday. 

That might be, looking back, another reason why Alana has decided to take me on this spontaneous little outing, which has now taken us a good hour and a half of driving in the car. At this point, we've made it into the very edges of New York City, and while I'm not sure where Alana's going I know at this point I'm pretty sure I'm going to love it. 

I wish I could say that I saw the return address and the familiar handwriting and chucked it in the garbage without a second thought. 

I didn't do that, obviously. I started reading it, and then I caught myself and realized that it wasn't probably going to make me feel much better, and then Alana found me staring at it and reminded me that I was enough for her. 

The right thing to do, of course, but it reminded me that once again I wasn't enough for the people who are supposed to say those words whenever I'm feeling down. 

I try to push those thoughts to the back of my mind when Alana finally parks the car in a spot next to Central Park. 

"We're here," she chirps out. 

I smile. 

"Where are you taking me?"

"Nowhere in particular," she responds, "I just wanted to get out of our area. We've barely spent any time out of the New Haven area in months, at this point, and I thought we could use a new change of pace for an outing."

I smile. It feels good to have nowhere to be, and I'm sure she feels the same way. 

We stroll down the streets, noticing a bagel shop that's selling those fancy bagels that people post all over Instagram. 

I turn to Alana. 

"'Lana," I begin, pulling out my best set of puppy eyes, "Can we go try some bagels?"

"Sure," she says, laughing, "Anything for you, love."

The line is long,  but eventually, we make it to the front and pick out matching rainbow bagels (I whisper to Alana that we must celebrate the gay), and then wait as our very expensive bagels are put into fancy toasters and then spread with cream cheese. 

Said bagels are very much just colorful bagels once we finally get our hands on them to eat, but Alana reasons that it's all part of the experience. 

The rest of our outing goes well, and eventually, we find ourselves in Central Park for real, looking out over one of the little rivers that runs through it. There are few people on the bridge with us, and no children, so the experience is tranquil in a way that public places often aren't. 

It feels good to be so free. In a few hours, we'll head home, and Alana will work on a paper that she's getting done early, and I'll work on writing a song I was commissioned to do. There is work to be done, and there will always be work to be done. 

But for now, it's us, and only us. 

I can't tell if that fact is selfless or selfish, but for now, I really don't care. 

And maybe that's what makes it so perfect. 

A/N: Hi everybody!

I hope that you all have been having a good day and taking care of yourselves. Make sure that you've had something to eat and drink today. If you're in an area affected by the US Trump riots, make sure you're staying inside. I hope that you're staying safe. 

Today's tea was a ginger and berry black tea. I think it was one of my favorites I've had so far, although I did end up drinking all of it cold. The taste of blueberry was very strong, and that was quite interesting. 

Stay safe everyone, I love you. 

Your dearest author, 

Angie

Word Count: 1211