I Guess They Never Disappear

Chapter 25

Trigger Warning: Unhealthy Medication Habits (Do Not Read if this is a trigger, please stay safe everyone!)

Jared has been too nosy lately. 

I mean, I know I should feel honored, or something, because it supposedly means that he cares about me a lot but I just feel like I'm being treated like a first-grader who hid a scrape from their parents after falling down on the playground. 

You know?

I mean, yes, I am hiding something from Jared, so maybe I'm getting what I deserve; I wouldn't be surprised if I was just getting justice for all of the things I've done because when you make that many mistakes something is going to happen eventually. 

Then again most people don't make this many mistakes. 

Maybe he thinks that I don't notice that he's looking at me whenever I get lost in a pit of my own anxieties, and not in the coincidental sense either. 

He probably hates me for it. 

I mean, it's getting obvious that he knows now, and he probably knows I'm lying when I tell him that I'm okay, but he isn't doing anything, so maybe he doesn't actually care about me. 

I don't know what's going on and it makes everything so much worse. It's as though the universe has finally caught up to me being a shitty person and has finally decided to punish me for it. Or maybe this is just so extra-shitty that the universe has finally been prompted to move and give me exactly what I deserve. 

Then again, thinking like that makes it sound as though I have some sort of influence on what happens in the world, and that the world cares enough to change just to teach me a lesson. 

I've learned my lesson about how significant I am in the world. 

But apparently, that hasn't taught me anything about lying. 

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The easing off the medicine has been going along smoothly, for the most part. 

I mean, I think that what I'm doing is right, because in the end I'm not going to be held down by some stupid little pills in a tiny plastic container, and people aren't going to view me differently because I'll be fine. I'm fine. I've always been fine. Right?

But then, on the other hand, I'm lying to people again, which shouldn't be a surprise at all because my moral compass seems to be more like a lump of metal that's been melted and re-forged and torn to shreds only to be brought back to life than an actual directional tool that could tell me if what I'm doing is wrong.

And so once again I'm stuck in the whole state of limbo where I'm not sure about anything at all. 

Physically, I've still been getting dizzy and having the brain shock things. I mean, I knew that would happen. 

Nobody's talked to me about it yet. 

Do they care? Does anybody care beyond the superficial kind of caring that is the way a parent sees a broken child? 

Does anyone think I'm an actual adult?

Maybe, when I get off this medication, people won't pity me anymore. And I won't have to pity myself. 

Oh, what a world that'll be.

The past couple of days, I've developed a new way to make sure Jared isn't worried about me. Whenever I'm feeling anxious I go on a walk. 

Does it work? Not really. I mostly just end up sitting on this park bench that's pretty hidden from the street and hoping that I calm down quickly. Which I don't, not ever, so I end up going back anxious but at the very least Jared seems less suspicious, so maybe that's good. Maybe?