I Guess They Never Disappear

Chapter 8

Trigger Warning: Minor Discussion of Death/Suicide (Do Not Read if this is a trigger, please stay safe)

There's a new normal now in a place where there shouldn't be one. 

Jared and I have been hanging out more. 

Bet you never thought I'd be saying those words.

Every action has an equal opposite reaction, Isaac Newton once said. Things come back to bite you in the ass. 

And I'm waiting for the opposite reaction, apparently. 

It's a constant state of fear, right? That's how it has to be because if I don't catch it right away, it'll spiral. This isn't some new law of mine. It happened with Connor. One letter and all of a sudden Evan Hansen Has Majorly Fucked Up. And Jared's worse in a sense. 

Not that I'm suggesting it'll happen in the same way. I mean, with my luck, anything is possible, but I don't think that'll go down. 

So I watch Jared. 

But not in a gay way. 

Again, I watch Jared carefully. You can learn so much about a person from how they act, right, and Jared is the absolute poster boy for ... not doing this. So you have to be careful, y'know? 

He hasn't mentioned the incident yet.

But I can tell he wants to. It's right under the surface, that little itch to absolutely decimate Evan Hansen in a battle of morals. So I stay scared.

Maybe that's what he wants me to do, curl up like the fucking afraid idiot I am so that he can take advantage of my emotions, chew me up and spit me out, friendless once again.

Maybe I deserve that. 

Okay, I've lied. To you. And to myself really, but that doesn't matter or maybe it does. 

Jared hasn't been hanging out with me voluntarily. I mean, that's probably to be expected, but with the way I'm prattling on, you'd think that I was actually wanted around.

Ha, Evan Hansen, wanted.

I know that was funny. I'm laughing so hard, can't you tell?

Anyways, the car insurance reason isn't it anymore. No, Heidi has decided that I'm too lonely for her taste. Doesn't fit the Evan's Getting Better narrative. So, Jared.

I have to agree with her there. Chris'll be so happy to find out that I have a friend. 

They might be suspicious to find out that it's Jared, but who says I need to tell them that. 

It's a blade of an edge to walk on, just big enough of a lie that it could end in disaster, just small enough that I'm wanting to pull it off. 

And it can't get worse from this, so I'll probably be fine. 

See, that's the problem with Evan Hansen. He tells lies and he doesn't feel bad about it at all. 

But you probably came here to hear about Jared. Who wants to hear about Evan Hansen and his mental crisis? Jared is funny, and Jared is smart, and Jared's hair falls in just the right direction and manages to brush the top of his glasses. And Jared actually has a sense of style, which Evan Hansen Does Not. 

So, I'll tell you about Jared.

Jared spends a lot of time on his computer whenever we're together. I don't know what it is. He won't let me see. All he says is that it's "Very important stuff for my job" and that I "Wouldn't understand, I'm too grounded in the Earth".