I Guess They Never Disappear

Chapter 26

Jared POV

Evan's taking me to this little grove in the middle of Ellison for a date.

Apparently, we still do those. 

After the argument two days ago when Evan wanted to go on a walk, things were awkward for a bit. They still are, I think. I mean, we both apologized for what we said, but it almost feels like we're doing it for the wrong things. Like there's something else we should discuss about that whole situation, but we aren't. 

It scares me because I don't know why Evan disappears for several hours to go on a walk and returns with slightly-red eyes (I'm almost certain he thinks I don't notice that, that I don't think anything's happened at all). 

I mean, he's probably not doing anything besides crying to make his eyes red (Evan doesn't seem like the person to do non-prescribed drugs), but even then, that's worrying.

Why is he crying? Why does he spend so much time avoiding me?

Why is it my fault?

I want to bring it up again because I think that's what I should do as a good boyfriend, but I don't want another argument. I saw how Evan's eyes wouldn't meet mine for a whole day after the argument. I saw how he shrank in on himself when he came home until he noticed my eyes on him. 

And I know that it's my fault for pushing him. 

It has to be. 

I just want to keep this. I don't— no, I can't, I can't lose him again. To lose a friend that you've had for years is terrible. The first time left a gaping, throbbing hole in my heart. Even with all of the years I passed hating him, I don't think I ever really forgot in the way that I promised myself I would. 

And then we met up again, and we made up, and then we became friends, and the hole started to heal. Slowly, of course. You don't heal wounds that were made over the course of years without some sort of struggle. 

Maybe, just maybe, the process began to speed up when we started to date. I don't know why. I should have known that it wouldn't go easily, of course, but something about the fact that we were dating felt like a good-luck charm, a chance to ensure I wouldn't lose him again. 

And now I'm standing in front of a door that I don't know what lies behind. Maybe I lose him. Maybe he stays with me, but things are awkward and painful and lonely as if I didn't have him at all. Maybe we fix things. 

I want to fix things. I don't understand why he seemingly doesn't. 

Am I that bad that he's just looking for an excuse to get away from me so he doesn't have to see me anymore or listen to what I have to say?

I wouldn't be surprised. 

I was probably the reason for this. No, I know I was. After all, I was the first to start pulling away. It would be only natural that Evan would follow my example at some point. 

Evan taps my arm awkwardly. 

"Jare," he says, "Are you okay? You're not paying attention, I'm worried you'll trip over a rock or something not that you would ever be that clumsy but, I, uh..."

"What? Oh yeah, Ev. I'm following you."

He smiles and it's fake and it's so fake and I don't know what I did to deserve this, because this is a love like cough syrup and roses that are more thorns than sweet scent. Somehow, I met Evan, Evan who is so amazing and kind and somehow I ended up being able to date him and now we're here and I know that it was sweet once but now it's just a bitter taste in my mouth and scratches on my ankles from the brambles that dust the forest floor.