Glorybringer AU ☆the fault in our stars☆

[16] Rejection

☆Glory☆

Dear Daffodil,

I'm afraid I can't answer your question. However, I am glad you confessed. You're far braver than I am. Although I dare say, I don't think I'm the person you think-- or wish-- that I am.

However, I do want to hear your questions, and also hear what happened between you and your crush. Perhaps I can help you. I hope they say yes, because you genuinely sound like a good person.

I don't know if you would find this creepy, but I searched up your name. Daffodils apparently mean rebirth and new beginnings. Maybe, even if you do get a rejection in return, you'll be able to move on. You seem like a very strong person, which isn't much, because I barely know you. But you remind me of a person I know in real life-- and they are very brave.

Maybe you should search my name. That might give you some answers.

-Helianthus

I am surprised. Their name is also a flower. He also reminds me of a person--can he really be Deathbringer?

☆

"No."

My bad mood starts with one word.

Tsunami comes to school with a red mark on her cheek. A lot of people ask her why, but she doesn't answer. She only changes the subject of the conversation without a word. She also announces that she's quitting drama club to swim again. Although everyone protests along with Kestrel, all it takes for them to accept it is a few words from Tsunami: "You know my acting sucks." Grudgingly, they agree.

It is all it takes- one day- for Tsunami to become one of our family. Grandmother calls Coral and ignores her protests while doing it. Grandmother threatens to take a picture of Tsunami's face and take it to court, which leads Tsunami to stay at our house for a week.

And then there's Deathbringer, who likes to act that I don't exist, and that he didn't hear a word of what I said yesterday. He's making an effort of not looking at me, but it's the end of lunch, and I go to his side while throwing out the food.

And-ah, The Look.

It's the face Deathbringer wears when he passes a girl that disgusts him.

The girl in second grade, the one that confessed and had to face the cold shoulder. He gave her the look, fiercer as time passed, when they passed each other in the hallway.

It's a look that says, We could have been perfect friends and you ruined it with your unnecessarily romantic sentiments. You ruined everything, and now I can't bring myself to talk to you. The fact you view me as more than a friend disgusts me.

That's why I have been holding back. And now he's showing me the thing I was afraid of the most.

It's a face that also says, So you fell in my trap, too. And I thought you wouldn't.

It says, you ruined everything.

My voice isn't working. When it does come out, it's so hoarse that I can barely recognize it. I'm holding his wrist, stopping him from going further, looking into his dark eyes. "Answer my question."

"What question?" So that's the way he's going to go. Crushing my heart over and over again. But what did I expect? Deathbringer likes sparkling, special girls. Greatness, with her choppy black hair and daring brown eyes, is one of those girls. I'm just realizing that I can never become one of them.

"You know. What I said yesterday." My eyes are stinging. Don't shake it off like a joke. Anything else but that. The confession-- it had my everything. "Don't act like you don't. Just tell me the answer and let's get everything over with."

"I have to get to class." Deathbringer's voice seems desperate, even a little tired. "Let me go, Glory."

"Just- answer." I know the answer now- he's slapping my face with it over and over again. But I can't quite accept it until the word comes out of his mouth. "Please."

He's looking at me. The expression on his face is not the Look, exactly. But it's the face of a person who's getting ready to reject someone. "No."

"No?"

My head throbs. Then what was it that I was chasing, after all this time? My exchanged emails, my waiting, my heartaches and throbs- what were they for? For this little word, one word, of rejection?

His voice is firm. "No. You asked if I liked you, and I think you meant more than a friend. I'm sorry, Glory. But no."

Of course it was me that got ahead of everything. It was me, all this time, thinking so many people loved me when nobody really did. Risking my heart for nothing. Opening a present to find nothing there, and now questioning my excitement and eagerness before.

"Glory." His eyes are begging. The eyes that seemed so warm and beautiful a few moments before. Now, I can't bear to look at them- the fear and pity. "Let's stay friends. Nothing more. I'm- I'm sorry. I just...I don't plan on having another relationship after-- Greatness."

Greatness. Maybe you would have, if I was anything close to her. If I was special enough to catch your eye.

Then I realize, why? Why do I have to put down myself just because I can't match your expectations? Why can't you like me for who I am?

I know it's not his fault, but I hate him for it. And he sees the hatred in my eyes, but all I can see in return is pity. It's not what I want. It's nothing close to what I want.

Why are you always risking your heart, Glory? Why are you assuming all the time, wanting more than what people can give you?

"No, I'm sorry for saying anything." It hurts. My eyes are closing and opening, and I can't exactly block out the pain. "Yeah, let's not-- let's stay friends. That'll be the best." So much hate and love mixed into the words I spit out.

I wonder if he knows how much he's hurting me with his rejection. If he ever knew how much courage it took to say them aloud.

He wouldn't. Because he has never been rejected in his entire life. That makes me seem more stupid, but I know it's true.

"No. No, Glory. Don't say that." He's looking at me, and I quickly drop my eyes to the floor. "Glory, I'm sorry. Please tell me we'll stay friends. Please." His voice starts trembling. That's a surprise. "You don't know-- you don't know what I did. I can't possibly have you as a-- a lover. It would be wrong. You don't understand, Glory, you would never forgive me if I told you."

Put on a smile and tell him it's okay.

Then I realize it's not okay. So I do neither.

Rejection. I never thought it would be this bad, but my feelings are mixed with embarrassment and darkness. It's even worse than the rejection with Anaconda- risking and shattering your heart for the second time.

Seeing that I'm not saying a word, Deathbringer turns away. And he seems more hurt than I am-- how dare he? How dare he seem hurt, when he was the one rejecting? He can't feel half the pain as I am feeling right now. Hurt pride and embarrassment leads to anger and hatred. And I'm too prideful to not direct them at him.

Deathbringer's going into the hallway, leaving me, and I catch Greatness watching us. What is it on her face? Pity? Disbelief? Annoyance? I hate every one of them. Before I know, I'm leaving the lunchroom, arriving at my locker, taking out my books noiselessly.

I hate them. I hate Anaconda, I hate Deathbringer. Most of all, I hate myself.

Everything hurts.

☆