Salmon

11: Emotional Pillar

11: Emotional Pillar

   My plan was easy... to get back to what I was before I went to that library. Siguro kung hindi ako lumabas ay hindi mahuhulog ang picture namin, hindi ako mapipilit ni Ate na sumama sa kaniya, hindi ako mapipilitang pumunta sa date na iyon... at wala akong kaibigang p-problemahin.

   Dalawang araw na matapos ang nangyaring iyon. I wanted to turn my phone off, but my sister might get suspiscious kaya hindi ko na ginawa. Pero si Kaiden ay halos hindi ko na reply-an, kung hindi tipid— hindi ko talaga re-reply-an. I needed to distance myself before it got worse. Hindi ako inosente at alam ko ang mga posibilidad dito.

   I also didn't leave my apartment since that day. My enthusiasm about everything just vanished because of a single interaction, pero hindi ko sinisisi si Trisha, I actually felt thankful because she opened my eyes.

   Si Salmon lang dapat ang nasa isip ko hangga't hindi niya pa ako napapatawad nang tuluyan.

   Sinulyapan ko lang ang cellphone na malayo sa akin bago itinuon ang atensyon sa pinanonood. I already told my Ate not to call me because I would be busy... watching movies I already watched.

   I needed to be distracted, but I was not motivated enough to clean my apartment. I just wanted to lay down and not move a limb.

   Nang hindi tumigil ang tunog ay tamad akong tumayo at sinagot ang cellphone nang hindi tinitingnan ang caller. "Ate, sabi ko—"

   "It's Ken."

   Nanlaki ang mata ko at tiningnan ang caller. Mini memories started flowing when I heard this man's voice. Nanatili naman akong nakatitig sa nmber niya sa cellphone ko— yes, I deleted his number. I couldn't afford having his number when I constantly think of Salmon's forgiveness.

   This was not just a simple 'complicated' situation.

   "H— hello?" I answered as I chewed my lower lip.

   I heard him sigh. "You finally answered."

   I remained a straight face. "What do you want?" I asked, cold.

   I didn't want to do this but I have to.

   "Are you... are you okay?"

   "Bakit naman hindi?"

   "Uh—"

   "Do you have anything to say?"

   Napapikit ako nang hindi siya sumagot. I tried to hold my tongue and kept quiet. Naglakad ako patungo sa balkonahe at sumandal sa railings. The sun was about to shut again, maybe this was the reason why I was feeling dramatic.

   I hate this.

   "Hindi ka kasi sumasagot..."

   "Well, I answered now?" Pinigilan ko ang sariling magsalita pa.

   "Yeah... I'm sorry, nakaistorbo yata ako."

   Guilt crept inside me. Hindi ko napigilan ang pamumuo ng luha sa mata. Dalawang araw nang walang lumalabas na luha mula sa mata ko at ang makarinig ng boses ng kaibigan ay nakakapagkalma.

   It's just sad I had to push a friend away for his own sake.

   Hinayaan kong tumulo nang tumulo ang luha, at lumunok na lamang para hindi niya marinig ang pagsinghot ko. The phone was still on my ear, but I could hear nothing but his heavy breathing... which was enough to calm me. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit hindi niya pa ibinababa pero ang isiping mayroon akong kasama sa pag-iyak ay nakagagaan.