Salmon

16: Salmon

16: Salmon

   Hindi ko alam kung paano ko napapayag si Kuya Nate na ihatid ako pabalik sa apartment. Ang huli ko lang maalala ay nakatulog ako sa biayhe at nagising na lang sa harap mismo ng bahay ko. Walang sali-salita akong bumaba sa sasakyan niya. Bahala na kung ang gustong isipin ni Kuya, basta ay gusto kong                              lumayo.

   Dahil nakatulog ako sa sasakyan, hindi na ako nakatulog buong magdamag. My mind was in deep thoughts. I'd been trying to think what was wrong. What did go wrong again.

   I inhaled a large amount of breath and leaned on my headboard. Tulala ako at hindi pa rin nakapagpapalit ng damit. I didn't know if I should be thankful because my phone died, or what. Hindi ko rin alam kung sinabi ba ni Kuya Nate kila Ate... basta ay wala akong pakielam.

   No. I did care. If I didn't, I wouldn't react like this. I could deny everything— I could fool everyone, but I couldn't fool myself.

   Muli kong naalala ang narinig kagabi. Rumagasa ang luha mula sa mata ko at dire-diretso ang naging pagdaloy sa pisngi ko. I tried to wipe but I just got more frustrated because it wouldn't stop.

   "Ah!" I shouted as I threw the nearest pillow on my reach.

   Why was I over reacting? Ayoko ng ganito!

   Hindi ko alam kung anong oras na, ang alam ko lang ay hilam na na mata ko. I wasn't prepared for that.

   I didn't know! I couldn't even control my own emotions anymore.

   "Idge!"

   Nahigit ko ang sariling hininga nang marinig ang boses ni Kaiden. I didn't want to entertain the idea of him being here, but my body had its own mind to walk near the door.

   "Idge, open the door."

   I could hear desperation on his voice, but I didn't not say anything.

   "Idge, you heard it wrong. I... I want to give you time to think, but I don't want you face the same situation you were months ago. Idge... it's not what you think it is."

   I heard it wrong?

   Nagpapatawa ba siya? My ears were perfectly fine, and I knew I wasn't deaf.

   "You can not open the door, but listen to me. I... l— you are my friend, and I know what you are going through, and it's my job to make you happy..." his voice trailed.

   Hindi ko agad iyon nai-proseso sa utak ko. I was too focused on the thought that I got betrayed, but I didn't even try to look at the bigger picture. My hand flew to my mouth when everything dawned me. Tears flowed like a river, and I tried my best not to make a sound.

   Ang OA ko parati.

   I didn't deserve him, Salmon...

   "I'm sorry for using such word, Idge, but please, please..."  he said in a desperate voice. "Don't be so hard on yourself. You are not just a job."

   Gusto kong humagulgol nang malakas ngunit napapikit na lamang ako at isinandal ang noo sa pinto. I heard him panting from the outside, but I still tried not to make a noise. He should leave. He shouldn't be with an emotional wreck who's mentally unstable.

   Kaiden deserved the best.

   Ilang minuto akong lumuha nang tahimik bago ko narinig ang yabag ng paa niya papalyo. Nang maramdamang wala nang tao sa labas, agad akong sumigaw. I didn't mind my neighbors. I just shouted how trash I was for thnking bad about him— them.