Salmon

Finale

Finale

   Accepting your own vulnerabilities was the the first step on fighting your own demons. Accepting might be hard, but soon you'd realize how strong you would be because of that. Instead of denying everything, instead of believing make-shift happiness— why not face the reality, and be happy with the outcome.

   I looked around, and smiled to myself when I saw different, but still busy people inside the airport. They were walking, and who knew what that meant for them. Some could be moving on, some were leaving, and some... were returning.

   My glasses almost fell before I could wear them so I stopped for a moment. Pinagpagan ko ang suot na pink na sweater, at umayos ng tayo. My eye sight got clearer as I walked. Hindi katulad ng iba ay wala susundo sa akin dahil hindi na ako nagpasundo pa kina Ate.

   Even after a year, I still had to catch up with myself. A final step I wasn't willing to take before, but more than willing to walk over today.

   Those years I was abroad was not easy. I experienced shaking in front of many people. Crying alone in the middle of a cafe, and such. However, I became strong enough as time goes by. My departure didn't go to waste.

   "You developed a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, base on your hallucinations, and I heard you also experienced sudden flashbacks?"

   I nodded. Hindi ako bobo, pero hindi pumasok sa isip ko na magkakaroon ako ng ganoon.

   The doctor kept on talking in front of me, but my mind just wander to the times I felt down. The sudden flashbacks I'd experienced... and those times that I saw Salmon, talked to Salmon.

   Naniniwala naman ako kay Trisha noong sinabi niya iyon sa akin, pero ngayon lamang pumasok sa akin na hindi ko pala tanggap. Akala ko ayos na. Akala ko ayos lang ako. May ganito pala.

   Lutang akong umalis at nagpasalamat sa doctor. Leaves from trees scattered on the ground below me. I wanted to take pictures of the scenery, but even that didn't seem so right at this moment. I just wanted to think, and reflect on my actions, and thoughts before I landed here.

   I wanted to hurt myself more. The ring was safe, but the person was not here anymore.

   Fresh air of New Zealand hit my face. The gold sun rays coming from above wasn't irritating. Colors from different areas in my perspective didn't seem to be vibrant as my feelings. I actually didn't expect to see colors anymore, and feel this... down.

   Bumuga ako ng marahas na hangin at niyakap ang sarili upang kahit paano ay mapalagay. Ang mga tao rito ay may kaniya-kaniyang ginagawa, at hindi ko rin namang gugustuhing mapansin pa.

   Hindi lamang ako sa New Zealand nanatili, buwan lamang ata ang itinagal ko roon. Matapos lumipat sa Holland ay itinuloy ko ang therapy. Hindi lamang ako umasa sa mga doctor na tumitingin akin. I also did self therapy, though it sometimes sucked being alone— everything was fine because I could think clearly.

   Unti-unti, umayos ang lagay ko. Namalayan ko na lang, hindi na ako umiiyak bigla. Hindi na ako takot sa mga  tao sa paligid ko. Nasanay na akong mag-isa nang hindi natatakot para sa kaligtasan ko. Being alone made me take care of myself, and mysef only. I didn't have to think that someone might get hurt because of me again. And... yeah, ayos na ako.

   It wasn't easy. But remembering everything... everyone... him I had left for this... it was worth it.

   "Ate?"

   "Hindi ka ba talaga magpapasundo?"

   Napangiti ako sa sarili. "Hindi na Ate, nasa byahe pa naman ako."