𝒆𝒄𝒄𝒆𝒅𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒔𝒊𝒂𝒔𝒕.

𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘦𝘦..

By the time Adonis was out of my life, I felt a little freer. I felt like he was holding me back. I spent more time with him than with my friends, because I thought I loved him.

When I went back to my friends, they were happy I left him, because he wasn't good for me. Which now I agree with.

On my 17th birthday, I cried. Like I did on every birthday, but that birthday was different. I was crying because I felt alone again. When I was 16 I developed an eating disorder.

I would go days without eating a full meal, surviving off of coffee, water bottles, and sticks of gum. I never stopped cutting, I would go a max of 1 week and then I was just back at it. My room was clouded with water bottles on the ground, clothes in the corner, my bed was hardly made up.

Bandages were hidden in my backpack that I had bought from the Rite-aid down the street from my house. Razor blades are hidden in books on my dresser.

I would wear baggy clothes because simply looking at my body had me in tears, the scars on my arms and legs.

I was a 17-year-old girl that weighed 101 pounds. Sometimes to escape my mind I would get high. Because it made me feel like I was floating, I was on top of the world and no one could stop me. It helped me realize that breath that I was holding in.

Over time I developed social anxiety, I was always afraid to go out in public. Scared someone was judging me. I could hardly talk to others I wasn't comfortable with or even for a sentence without stuttering or fumbling over my words.

I got a job at a small book store, a place where over time I became comfortable. The business was never overbearing so it was just me and books some days.

I made my own money because I didn't like to ask for help, I wanted to succeed on my own. I got my sister's old car, which I decorated. Sometimes I would sneak out at night and just drive around. End up on an empty road and scream.

Those car rides saved me some nights, it helped me release some of that pain that was still built up inside of me. Junior year was stressful, I wanted to give up because how was I supposed to be focused on my future when I didn't want to wake up the next day.

I did it though, I got through Junior year, and in a matter of a week, I will be starting senior year. Turning 18, soon, I was counting down the days I could leave. Escape this big city, go live somewhere small.

Start writing my own books, living alone. Hopefully with someone who will love me because as much as I love being alone. I do want someone, someone to love me.

I came out as pansexual to my friends, sister, and mom.

I found myself attracted to females more than males which are something still confusing me but I've decided to stop worrying about it.

I was confused about it for years, I knew I liked girls, but I was too scared that others would judge me that I tried to force that side of myself away. But my best friend Narri assured me that someone is always going to judge me for being myself.

I'm starting a new chapter in my life some people would say, I'm going into my senior year of high school. I wouldn't call it a new chapter though I would simply say that I haven't given up yet. I'm still going. So much has happened in my 17 years of life. I wonder what the universe has in store for me this year.

Surely, I don't think anything good is going to happen. Because every time it does something bad ruins it. I do, or someone else does.

Tomorrow is just another day, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for it or not. Like I said, in a couple of days I start senior year. But so much can happen in such a short period of time.

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