Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

November 1-7, 2015

November 1, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

I was confused. It seemed like my life hit rock bottom. It did not help that I woke up hearing the voices once again. I went to the choir as I have usually done. Some of the boys my age voices were changing. Mine seemed to be more high pitched than it ever was. It made the other boys more jealous that I got the solos.

Father Immer most have noticed that I was sad, as he smiled and told me to cheer up after mass when I was changing. All I could do was to ask him where God was. Father Immer looked at me and said that God is doing his best to help, even though it seems that he is not.

At home, I did not speak with Dad. He was so ashamed of me. I felt like he no longer cared. All I knew was that I was not going to have him decide my friends. I was not going to let him decide who I was. I did not want to be like my dad who lacked respect and tolerance.

November 2, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

School again and it was hell. Everyone was calling me a sissy and other names. Everyone thought that I was gay and Annie was once again ignoring me.

At lunch, Noah punched me for nothing. I fell to the ground in pain and agony. As I was on the ground, I looked around. Annie just stood there looking while Andrew came and helped me.

The love I had for Annie was shattered.

Something strange happened at dinner. I was lifting a glass of water when suddenly it was like I lost my coordination and the glass fell to the table. Mom helped me clean up. I was so embarrassed.

November 3, 2015
Tuesday
Dear Diary

After yesterday, I did not want to go to school. I told mom that I was sick. She told me that I did not have a fever and wanted to know what symptoms I had. I could not answer. Mom gave me a hug and told me that she understood.

It was just mom and me all day. She asked me if I was well enough to bake some cupcakes. So we spent a lot of time doing that. Nothing was said about how bad my life was now. We just worked on the cupcakes. I even began to smile as I forgot all the problems I had. In the end, mom said thank you for helping. Mom said that She always bakes when her brain is confused or when she is tired of life.

I was hiding in my room again when Dad came home. I felt like that he and I should have a conversation to patch things up. However should he not be the one to take the first step? He was the adult and he was supposed to be responsible.

Sarah came in with two princess dresses. She told me lets play princess. So I put the princess dress on and we had a pretend tea party. I asked Sarah if she was ever teased at school. This made Sarah act like an adult and say when mom always brushed her hair when they had a serious talk.

"I don't get teased at school, but I know you do," she said as she sat like a shrink would, "Sometimes I see it. It hurts me a lot. Some of my friends ask me if you are a sissy or even gay. This hurts me and I nearly cry. They don't see you the way I do. They ask how I can be in the same family?"

I felt so sorry that Sarah had to suffer in a way. She continued telling me that she once said that she wanted me as a sister. That was because I was fun and played with the things she wanted. Now Sarah had a new wish. She knew I would spend time with her no matter if I was a boy or girl. She wished that others would see me the way she has seen me. My eyes watered up when she said that it doesn't make a difference if a person wears a dress or not. It makes a difference in how nice a person was. Sarah may be the youngest in the family, but in a way, she was the wisest