Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

October 11 - 17, 2015

October 11, 2015
Sunday
Dear Diary

Everyone asked at choir how did modeling go. I noticed that Noah was very quiet, As my arch enemy, he did not want me to have any success. I did not really want to answer their questions. How was I going to tell them that it was a diaper ad? I would never hear the end of it. I just answered that modeling is not as fun as I thought it was.

Dad was upset since he heard about the photo session. He asked how mom could even allow me to be in diaper pictures. So all the way home, Dad was shouting this and that. He warned mom that she should tell Mr. Lewis not to use the photos. It was obvious that I humiliated dad. It made me think if he loved me.

Billy of course was mad as well. He asked why is everything in this family about me?

The whole day was strange. In the afternoon, mom started crying for no reason. This shocked everyone as it came from the blue.

"What do I do?" she asked herself out loud, "I have a son that does not know who he is and can be a good model, except its not what we expected. I have a daughter that needs me, but I am not there for her? Why? I am having a hard time believing that my sister wants me dead. On top of that, I have a husband that is humiliated by his son. What happened to my life? It's not supposed to be like this."

No one knew what to say. There was a lot of truth in what mom was talking about. I decided to do my bit and say that I did not want to be in any diaper ad. It would mean that I would be teased and bullied at school, and I simply did not want this to happen.

October 12, 2015
Monday
Dear Diary

It was time to see the doctor. She gave me the same shots that she usually gave and seemed very disappointed that I was wearing boy clothes. The doctor asked again and again if I was listening to the music she gave me and eating my vitamins. I just nodded my head. After that, she checked my height. This was the first time that I have seen her smile.

We sat down to have a small chat. I hated this part as she always left me more confused than when we started. I told her that I nearly woke up to pains every day. Mom said they were growing pains, but I did not think that I was growing. She just nodded and said the pains will become better. She can give me some pain killers to help. This made me feel a lot better.

She talked about the diaper ad, and I said that I decided not to do it. The doctor just smiled at me and advised me to let my mother decide. She asked why I did not get mad when it was a girl's diaper. She also asked was it so bad that I was having fun and was at peace when I was being a baby? Was I not proud that I would be a role model for the thousands of children that wet the bed? I could tell them that it was nothing to be ashamed of.

The doctor could see that I did not say as much, so she asked mom to wait in the waiting room. Then I was told that everything I said would remain between us.

"I don't know why?" I started, "But when I saw it was a girl's diaper, I asked myself what else would I wear? When I was being a baby, I felt like I was at peace and as happy as I ever was. There were no problems. It made me sad when I had to be me again. Now I have to think of what people at school would say if they knew I was a baby model"

She told me that I said I was a baby and not a diaper model. Then she asked the usual question if I was a girl or not.

" I try not to think about that. It's mostly when I wake up that I wish I could wear a girl's dress, and play with Sarah's toys. I even have a teddy that I have all the time at home. I even told Bella that I was happiest as a girl. The problem is everyone wants me to be this and that. Dad wants me to be a boy and others think I am transgendered. I am confused and feel split. I feel like I am a big problem in this family, no matter what I do."