Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

March 27-April 2, 2016

March 27, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

Today was Easter. It meant that we had a week off from school. It also meant that we ate Chocolates for breakfast.

Dad did not go to church today. Sarah and I asked Aunty if he was sick and if he would ever be better again. Aunty tried to put her best smile on and say that Dad just lost the woman that he loved. He was mad that this would happen and confused. Dad was probably afraid of how he could move on and what the future would be. It would take him time. The best we could do was to support him and try to understand how he felt.

Granny overheard the talk and said it was rubbish. We all got over mom's death and were having a normal life. Besides that, we now had her. Both Sarah and I pretended not to listen to granny. What would I say to her? Granny could never replace Mom. We did not even want her here. None of us would ever get over the death of Mom. We would just learn to live with it. There would always be a hole in my heart and I would always miss my mom. I just wanted to make her proud of me as she looked down at me from Heaven.

Sarah and I practised in the afternoon for the talent show. Sarah was a good dancer and she had a good voice. It was fun when we practised. It was just as much fun as singing in the choir. I will also be honest. I was a bit mean because I knew that when I was dressed as a drag kid and practising, it annoyed Granny. It was fun to provoke her.

March 28, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

I slept in today. There must be a benefit of a week off of school. Another good thing was that I did not have to experience everyone at school avoiding me or teasing me. They all knew that I was now a drag kid and they thought this meant I was gay and would be performing at strange adult places. This was not true of course. I considered it a fun thing to do, where I could dress up and make everyone happy.

Bella was home for the week. This was the best thing about the Easter holidays. I missed her so much. She asked me if I was now a drag kid because I could provoke people. Bella explained that just like in school, people who have seen me perform would not understand why a teenage boy would dress a woman and pretend he is a female performer. They would think that I was gay. This got me thinking. Maybe I did like the idea of provoking people. Maybe I did like pushing people's boundaries and telling them that it was not wrong to dress the way we wanted to.

Aunty overheard us talking, and told me that I should never be ashamed of being genderfluid. I should show my feminine side when I wanted. When Aunty left us alone, Bella was quiet. Then she said that she did not know if she liked Aunty, According to Bella, it was Aunty that convinced me to first wear a dress. It was Aunty that took me to the mad doctor. It was Aunty that convinced me to be a drag kid. Aunty may well be acting as if she was reformed, but would she accept if I decided to stop showing my feminine side?

March 29, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I thought a lot about what Bella told me yesterday. Did she not like that I was genderfluid and would be performing as a drag kid? I could understand that she did not like Aunty. Aunty forced me to wear a dress when I did not want to. Aunty took me to the mad doctor that screwed with my mind and body. It was still embarrassing that I was so short. No one believed me when I told them that I was 13! At the same time, I decided that I was genderfluid. Anything that aunty suggested was just a suggestion. At the end of the day, it would be me that decided what I wanted to do or not.

Sarah, Bella, Andrew and I went swimming in the swimming hall today. I love swimming! We mainly splashed around and just had some fun. It was as if time stopped and real life was locked outside. It is strange when I went swimming. I felt like a little child again who just wanted to have fun again. It was as if the water cleansed me from all the worries and speculations that I had. The others agreed when I told them that it was a shame that we could not go swimming every day.