Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

May 1- 7, 2016

May 1, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

There are only 60 pages left in this diary. I am surprised when I look back at it and how I changed so much. I have noticed two things as I was reading this. The first is that being a teenager was not what I suspected. So many people have had an influence on me. This was both good and bad. I could see that I would never have become feminine if it wasn't because of my aunt. It just did not just my aunt. Others tried to influence what I should wear or act. Was it their fault or was it my fault? I listened too much to others and this only confused me and frustrated me. It was when I listened to myself that I was most happy.

I visited Bella today. She was sad that I was being forced to go to military school. She told me that she was not going to tell me how to act or dress. Bella was however worried about me. She told me that even when I was treated badly, and when I was most confused, I smiled and had happy eyes. It's been a long time since she has seen me smile or have happy eyes. Maybe this was because my Dad was sick, or maybe I missed my mother. Maybe it was because of something else. Bella hugged me and told me to find happiness. Then we changed the subject and played a game. I wish that Bella did not have to go back to her school. I needed her.

Granny wanted to know why I did not accept Father Immer's offer to rejoin the choir. I did not answer her. Deep down I wanted to be in the choir. At the same time, I knew that Granny wanted me to be in the choir. She would have to wait until I decided. I no longer trusted her and was not going to do everything she said.

May 2, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

Sarah was in a great mood today. Her latest video on youtube was a huge success. She was planning to do another video but could not decide what song she should do. I admire my sister. She does not care what Granny thinks and does what makes her happy. At the same time, she makes people happy. It made me think of when I had courage and did something special. I loved modelling. Now there is no way I wanted to model, I want to hide from everyone.

In history class, we learned about boycotting. It was an English landlord that did not care about his tenants. They had enough of him and decided to ignore him. He became invisible in their lives. This was now called boycotting, which is a withdrawal from commercial or social relations with (a country, organization, or person) as a punishment or protest.

Annie was teased a lot today. Noah of course told everyone that she wet the bed. I tried to console her and tell her it would get better. She had lots of friends and if they were real friends, they would support her. Annie told me they were calling her pee pants, diaper girl and baby. This made me think if she was sorry that she told me that she wet the bed. Annie held my hand as she said that she knew I did not tell anyone. It was Noah. Despite she was being teased, she was happy that I knew. Annie did not understand my humour when I told her "Welcome to my world"

May 3, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

After school, Annie asked me if I would visit her house. I must admit that this gave me some anxiety. Every time I visited Annie before, she dressed me as a baby girl. At the same time, she was being bullied at school and she was not used to this. Even her so-called school friends were not speaking with her. I agreed to hang out with her.

We had a great time. We did not talk about her problems at school or my problems. She did not dress me up or anything like that. We just talked about things. She did show me some clothes she just got. They were so pretty and looked so cool. Annie smiled as she saw my reaction and told me that I could not hide the gender-fluid side of my personality. She still said that I could have her old clothes. I changed the subject by telling her that she should show people the side of her that I knew. She did not have to put on an act to be popular at school. I like the way she was now and not when she was pretending to be someone else.