Allie - The teenage years of Alexander Horten

March 6-12, 2016

March 6, 2016
Sunday
Dear Diary

It was hard to believe that mom was dead. It was as if there was a big empty hole in my life. There was no peace in our house. Granny suddenly showed up, so both she and Aunty were now staying with us. Billy moved home until the funeral. There were people constantly visiting us and paying their condolences. Dad said nothing and just sat in his chair looking at nothing. As for me, I spent much of my time in Sarah's room. We cried a lot and were in a state of shock. We could not believe that this was happening to us.

Dad did not want to go to Church today. I think he is mad at God. I can understand this as it seems very unfair for God to let our mother die. We need her in our lives! When Dad told me that he did not want to go to church, I told him that I felt the same. The choir could do without me today. It was not as if I felt welcome at the choir anymore. Remember that Father Immer told me that they no longer wanted me? Some were afraid that I would corrupt them and they suddenly would be sissies.

Bella, Andrew and Annie visited me in the afternoon. I did not say much. In a way, I wanted to be alone. I just listened to them as they were talking. Bella was telling me that she felt bad that she had to go back to her school. She felt that she should be here and support me as good as she could. Annie replied and said that I still had her and Andrew. This confused me as Annie often made things worse for me. It also confused me that Annie and Bella were being so nice to each other.

Aunty told us that she thought we should wait to go back to school until the funeral. Granny got upset at this and told us that we would be going to school as she thought that it was best for us. Granny asked Aunty why we should stay at home and just feel sorry for ourselves. I did not say anything. I wondered what right Granny had to decide over us. We had never seen her before and mom never wanted her in our lives. Why was she here?

March 7, 2016
Monday
Dear Diary

I now wore diapers all the time. Since mom died, I did not care if I did. I knew it was a way of me wishing that I was a toddler again and I did not have to deal with death and growing up. Sarah asked me if I was not afraid people would notice the diapers or the eyeshadow and mascara that I wore. I told her that the others at school never had anything good to say about me, why would that change?

Some teachers did notice the makeup at school and asked why I wore it. Annie tried to help me by explaining that I was a drag kid and was working on a show. The teacher was shocked and thought it was so wrong. She thought that I was too young to be a drag queen. I explained that I was not a drag queen. It was just a show where I would be dressed up. Besides this, I could not see it was bad for boys to be girly. The teacher did not agree. This was nothing new. I was used to people looking down at me. I was surprised that Annie stood up for me.

Granny must have also been confused. She asked me how a boy who was 13 years old allow himself to wear make-up. I explained that I was gender fluid. I had no problems dressing as a boy or even a girl. This made Granny frustrated as she told me that she heard about the mad doctor. She heard how people tried to make me a girl. She also thought it was wrong and the work of the devil. She ordered me to wash the makeup off. I told her no. She did not decide over me and besides, Mom accepted me for who I was. She just had to deal with it and accept it.

Later that night, Granny told Dad that she decided to live with us. Granny thought that we needed her. Dad did not seem to care. He said that it was a good idea.

March 8, 2016
Tuesday
Dear Diary

I did not like the idea of Granny now living with us. We had our Dad. Aunty also lived here. We did not need another person in the house. Besides this, I was now 13. Despite the small fact that I wore diapers, I felt as if I could now think for myself. It also bothered me that mom did not like granny. If Mom did not like her, then why should I?