my summer bullshit.

Sup guise

*awkwardly twiddles hair*

        So, im honored to find out that, if you actually do your work at baton rouge high, you dont have time to keep a blog

anyway isaiah has permanently disheveled my lifestyle.

Me and chris.. first of all, chris is 13 years old. and he acts 11. 

Ive always thought I liked Chris, but that was until I DATED him. He was um... not right.

It's funny, I broke up with him right before he said I love you 

in my head I was like "nope"

So I ended it.

I started crushing on this other guy, ironically, also named chris. But now I realize the only reason I liked him was kinda because of how much he reminded me of Z ._.

Dear reader,

        I am sick. Im looking for a cure. 

I feel like I have ebola. I feel contaminated with the feels. tHE FEELS 

or maybe im just saying that because Im alone. Maybe I dont have the feels for anyone. Maybe I'm just trying to feel the void that I feel underneath my heart.

Can I just talk about Joshua pls.

Josh used to be my next door neighbor and I developed a crush on him in like the third grade. When I was a little girl, we used to move alot, to the point where i remember what year it was according to the house we lived in. 

Anyway, after third grade we moved away to another parish.

after 4 years, we moved back to the parish we live in now, and of all the schools, joshua comes to mckinley, just as I did. lil old seventh grade kali's heart basically melted.

I couldnt believe it was him. I'd seen him in the hallway earlier but I was in a state of denial. But, I knew those vibes anywhere. Then when he got on my bus that afternoon I was like "omg thanks life"

so he sat with me and we caught up and then we got to transfer. (I rode transfer at the time because I went to a school outside of my district for the magnet and theatre program)

When we got there, I shed a tear, because I knew we were going to have to go our separate ways at that point.

until he walked up to me and said "can you help me find my bus?"

I was like hell yeah on the inside but on the outside i was like "sure bro, whats the number?"

"2207"

i literally had to stifle an "I just got the most butterflies ive ever had in my entire life" giggle under

"cool that's my bus too"

so we get on the bus, and being the lil absent minded seventh grader i was, I went to the back to sit with my friends, knowing joshua didnt know anybody on that bus.

Anyway, I'm noticing that he wasn't getting off at any of the stops. so, I made my way to the front because my stop way coming up and all my friends were already off the bus. 

I sat in the seat across from him and pretended he wasn't sitting there.

"you look alot different"

i looked at him, remembering the time he called  me a fatass on the monkey bars because him and his little girlfriend wanted me and my bestfriend to get off.

"hm, you don't" i said with a giggle.

the bus came to my stop and i got up and tried to tell him bye, but he stood up too

"what are you doing?" i ask him

"this is my stop duck"

hOLY SHIT

I lived on a street with a chain of like 5 different apartments

so even though he got off here didn't mean that we lived close.

we walked and talked and I got ready for him to walk away after passing like 3 of the 5 entrances. 

we walked past the 4th on and I was like "ohnooo you don't live in longridge do you?"

he was like "yeah, I do"

anyway, he lived in the apartment under me.

we spent alot of time with each other, but just as friends.

It kinda sucked cause I kinda had to compress my feelings for him 7th-9th grade.

I had to deal with him and his nice height and chocolate brown skin and his muscles..oh lawd da muscles...

coming in my house playing video games with me, and calling me sister.

I had a bond with his siblings and his parents and my family loved him bro we could've had it aLL 

but he didn't wanna roll in da deep with me doe

he said my nose was too big.....

anyway I've moved away from there now and also one of my best friends have developed a crush on him so now I guess he's off limits.

but this morning he text me really early and told me goodmorning, asked about me and chris, told me about his ex, and then asked if he could come over so we could play basketball for old time's sake.

I don't get it, he acts like he likes me. He always has. I never wanted to tell him he was confusing me though because I love our friendship and I'm so scared to lose it that I'm willing to basically get my heart stepped on just to keep him around.

im a mess. I'm not sure who I have feelings for. My feelings are so random and I'm so terrible at controlling them and I feel terrible and i just hate that one minute its Gavin then It's Isaiah then it's Josh then it's Chris then it's A different Chris, then it's Terrence. and then I get a boyfriend and I realize that I genuinely do not like him. 

I just kinda wanna get someone who I really like....

OH guys Im a sexy beast.

I learned this recently

also I turned 15 last month, anybody gonna wish me a happy belated birthday? no? mkay?

well, my grades and confidence are great, and I kinda just wanna make out with Josh right now

nah im kidding josh I don't wanna make out with you..

k bye until like next month bc 3 research papers all due in the same week sEND HELP

XOXO Gossip Girl

(p.s. , I might have started watching gossip girl)

(p.p.s. IF YOU HAVENT WATCHED 90210 YOU NEED TO OPEN UR NETFLIX RIGHT NOW AND START BECAUSE ITS THE GREATEST SHOW EVER CREATED JUST GET THROUGH THE FIRST 2 EPISODES AND YOULL  BE HOOKED I PROMISE UR GRADES WILL GO ALL THE WAY DOWN THE DRAIN!!!!!! #teamshirazi #teamliamandannie #teammaxandnaomi #teamsilverandgaybabydaddy)