my summer bullshit.

Breakdown (AI)

So currently, I'm on facetime with isaiah, and I'm conducting an interveiw.

He's avoiding my questions and pretending nothing happened.

"So am I supposed to desribe this to you or what?"

"yes"

"whenever you're ready."

and here we have it people, front row tickets to the isaiah breakdown.

"isaiah's an asshole." he says.

"hahahaha"

"no, im serious... what was there to laugh about?"

anyway....

"me and syney... and jazaarius only knew about this plan. I told syney to piss off yesterday, like I said im an asshole. basically, i planned out every emotion from now to March. Except I forgot one crucial element, which is why I had to cancel out sydney. basically, it was all about how i treat Eriell. I knew I would have to break her shell, which i gladly did. it was all over one sentence. Eriells shell... she's very very shy. from the time i met her in seventh grade... all the way until the incident with derion. I helped her break the shell, I didn't break it. I just told her that she had to come out and open up more. she realized that she had a voice in this. so, after the derion incident, we became alot closer. that was after me and you stopped talking. Jazz understood why i needed a break. syd didnt get it, and she thought i needed to work things out. we all got cozy. that's when operation 'done' began on December 13th aka the day i made you cry, aka the hardest day of my life. I hate making girls cry especially ones I care about. do you realize how much of a trainwreck I was? My entire plan was a failure after planning it for entire week. look at it now.. its failed. Jazz is the only one who would listen or believe me.. where do I begin? from day one... well no, after... i have no idea where it failed, i just know it failed."

He doesn't want to answer questions. this is going to be a long night.

"can you please tell me how it failed?"

"pass."

"you can't pass questions isaiah."

"where did it fail? coming to youre part. having to take care of a third person party which includes jazz who was always there trying to make sure that there was no emotional damage to you... happy? was that a satisfactory answer to you?''

"dig deeper"

"hm? oh, on the surface of where it failed? or about you?"

"whichever you'd like to talk about first."

"..........that's hard topics to talk about. I sound really sarcastic tonight."

"you do"

"what a shame"

"did you have any intentions on hurting Eriell?"

"no. i never had intentions of hurting anybody. thats something i had to keep track of. no parties should be hurt in the proceedings in the plan. i dont know what happened between me and eriell. she hated that I used the word depressed... while she was depressed."

i asked him more questions, but he proceeded to say "i plea da fif."

"anything you wanna talk about?" i say

" i dont know... lately my statement have been full of i don't know. .....

so.... jazaarius huh? I walked in on you and him on the phone what were you two talking about?"

"I dont remember."

"you dont remember anything.."

anyway. We ended up talking about a million other things. I should tell you guys the truth. Ive been out of love with isaiah for about a month now. I crave his attention more than his love.

I just liked the feeling of having a common concern. It's like I've alwasy had an excuse to hold on. I don't this time. I'm just kinda done.

just litle sentimental old me.

anyway, to be truthful guys... I have a boyfriend. He brings me inner peace.. happiness. It took me until now to realize this, and im ashamed that the entire first month of our relationship has been me using him as a crutch. but now, i genuinely want this boy in my life.

I realize that I may grow out of this person too. It's gonna hurt and im gonna want to hold on like I did with Isaiah, but im not going to. Why hold on to a hot kettle handle? snatch your hand away girl! quit complaining about it hurting and just let it go!

"but my favorite flavor of tea is in this kettle"

"let go of that kettle and go try some new tea."

I started this chapter with the worst of intentions. I was going to quote every little detail that Isaiah said, hang up on him, and grill his little "plan"

I mean, word for word. I was going to pick it apart and turn it into a murder case. But I didnt. This entire time I've spent hating him is becasue I hate being ignorant to things. I hated that he wouldn't speak to me, and I hated that Eriell was involved with this plan, and was honestly just as informed as me, even though they were talking.

I guess he felt like Eriell would need convincing, and eventually little grasshopper kali would find her own way.

He was actually right. Not everything went according to plan, but come on.... does it ever? he still got the outcome he wished for. according to him, it came alot sooner than planned. but at least it came?

Well, it turns out, Eriell...

his plan, this entire time, was to help us. not even short term, for the rest of our lives.

He wanted to make it a point that our feelings should come first.

I admit to Isaiah that I wasn't in love with him anymore. I let him know that I still loved him as a person, but nothing about us fit anymore. Me and him have changed so much over the past 6 months man. at first, we were amazing... amazing but unusual. like pickles and peanut butter.

But we've grown. and if 2014 has taught me anything, it's that you grow out of people, and that's okay.

just for the record, your real voice is still adorable, and your face without your glasses is pretty cool too.

happy change.

i just want to be happy.

and im happy with chris.

are you guys happy?