my summer bullshit.

Untitled Part 20

Hey guys. So, its five day before christmas and how many of you are actually shaking in your boots of excitement?

Nobody? Nope, I didnt think so

Ya' know, there was a time when christmas was... just an incredible feeling. Now it seems like we do it just becasue... well just because. I can look back on christmas of 2009 and get a warm and fuzzy feeling about how it felt. So much excitement and cheer and gingerbread and family and hair curling. I loved Christmas.

Now its just another Day.

Similar to Isaiah... Not even just him. Everybody after gavin. Just like every christmas after 2009 just wasn't the same. Its just like that.

Although I would love to.. love him. I cannot. Mainly becasue he doesn't love me back. which is so hard to process becausee at one time, he was my everything. Now its like... he's not even a part of me anymore. 

I feel like he stopped talking to me and started talking to Eriell to show me what expecting someone to love you as much as you love them, venturing off and talking to someone else felt like.

That may not be true, but if it is, i feel like a real dick and i feel like im finally about to breakdown after so long of holding everything in. Im so scared for myself. I feel like I'm going to explode and harm myself or someone else around me, even though it seems like ive been doing that alot lately on accident anyway.

I just need a break from life. I need to put my headphones in and listen to some music that gives me the saem warm fuzzy feeling as Christmas 2009.

I don't love gavin. But I really do, and i don't know what to do about it. My feelings for other people come at random times and i like so many people but then I just realize that its just a phase and that I honestly just really want gavin back. 

My life is basically similar to a girl going to the club and dancing her ass off, having massive loads of fun, and then she gets home and looks in the mirror and realizes that party dresses and mascara ad grinding isn't the life that she wants and then she analyzes her life and breaks down crying on the floor, just wishing someone would love her... someone that she actually loves back.

Im sitting here looking at a picture of Isaiah and Eriell together and im physically crying.

I think isaiah was my new warm fuzzy feeling. I leg him go. I accepted that he hated me again and i gave up. I was so busy trying to be passive that I let what i need to be agressive about leave.

Dont get me wrong, I love Eriell. She's very funny, unique... She's great for him. Me and her never really got along. It's not that we dont like each other, our personalities just don't fit and im not gonna stress that, because shit happens sometimes.

Im not sure what exactly im feeling. Im feeling empty, used, idiotic, sad, and just downright a fucking mess. I know things that I shouldn't know and that I cant say anything about. 

I know people who do some fucked up shit and get rewarded by life daily, but I think with the best intentions and im never handed things on a silver platter. Even when I do work for things, it never comes out like the people around me who have confidence in themselves.

i just feel so small. I feel like Old News.