my summer bullshit.

Page one of 365.

After a long week of family failure, my parents kissed and made up. I don't care to say what they were fighting about, that is just a bit too personal for me right now. But I guess a woman's heart can always be mended by a credit card with no limit and a $10,000 diamond.

Im honestly getting tired of watching my mom go through the stages of

"fuck you Lo, I'm leaving"

"Ya know what? I dont even care."

"do whatever you want, at the end of the day, I can poison your food."

"No never mind I love you..."

"Gimme that credit card."

I just feel like my character is poor at this point. I hate that I never stick around to hear my dad's side of these stories. I also feel like shit because I know that if my parents split up, I will go with my mom.

I love my dad so much. Its hard to believe that he would ever hurt a fly in my eyes. It just bothers my fancy that no matter how much you think you know somebody, there's always something left to figure out. 

But, that's the beauty of humans. I don't meant to sound plagaristic, but we are all onions.

Literally, nobody knows what the heart of an onion looks like until they peel back all the layers.

Tonight, I will peel back my own layers. How am I supposed to figure someone else out, when I barely know myself? It's not sinful if its Zenful.

I'm already starting to find my inner peace and confidence. I realize, I dont need a new year, new me. I don't need to change myself. I need to figure myself out and love the kinks and tangles and curves and angles before I dare to expect that type of love from another human being.

You see, when you love someone more than you love yourself, that's a dangerous love. That's the type of love that will leave you feeling like an empty corpse under a bridge when the leave you. That's the type of love that only allows you to see the vibrancy of the flowers when they are around. 

And oh my that is a dangerous love.

I love being a theorizer. I love going through life thinking "what if"

Because then I can be mentally prepared for any outcome. 

I'm always going to live life to the fullest. Hey, you never know when its going to end. You need to have reliance on yourself because nobody else can breathe that last breath for you.

Love isn't something you need. It's an occupation. It's a desk job. 

What you need, is to smile. Not at anyone else, at yourself. Because a smile will never be true if it's always to cheer up someone else.

Smile when you have a reason, and when you dont. I don't know anybody who doesn't need the endorphins.

You hear that? that's your heart beating. He's not around. You dont need anybody.

Anyway. 

I'm going to find it in myself to be nice to literally everyone who crosses my path this year.

I don't care what has been done. being mean, again is a blank occupation.

Nobody deserves a hard time. Except Donald Trumph... he's seriously an asshole.

Im going to start seriously exercising. I need to lose four inches off my waist. even six. I might start purging...

I'm going to talk to my dad. I'm not going to leave him out of the loop because he's my dad. I'm going to be open and honest with him just as I am to my mother.

I'm actually going to put myself out there. I'm going to speak to everyone, not have social anxiety (to me, it's a mindset.. No offense guys, we've all been there.. just speaking my viewpoint) I'm actually going to dance at parties and stop staring at people like their lips are octopus tentacles. I'm going to open up. 

I'm going to make my fifteenth year count.

If that makes me mainstream, fuck it. 

I'm just doing what I can to sleep at night. Quite frankly, these bags aren't exactly Prada.

Besides, We should stop categorizing folks yo. You should stop judging people based on your insecurities. You'll never be at peace with yourself if you keep doing so. 

If being mainstream is what makes you stop cutting, go for it.

If being outerstream gets you off those antidepressants, go for it.

if being void keeps your life a perfect balance, and calms down your anxiety, damnit just go for it. There will always be d-bags in your orbit that need to define you to a "species" to not feel so alone in the world.

I'm okay with it. Sometimes I sit down at school lunch tables and I see girls with the same problem as me, plain and clear because I know the signs, and I don't feel like I'm fighting alone anymore. I feel like, even if you dont know it, someone on this planet has the exact problem as you, feels the exact same way about it, and is struggling to fix it just like you. Now, whether its an oriental kid named Koyoiko, a middle aged mother named Susan, or your own best friend... just know, you are never alone in this crowded room.

people have their opinions and there's literally nothing you can do with them. You can remember them... but for why? 

I don't even want to start on people with verbalized negative judgemets. All I can say is, focus on yourself you insecure little butthole.

My brother is my favorite person on the planet. That nigga so chill man. Like, he really keeps to himself but he's so okay with it. When he opens up to you, he's funny as hell. He's so full of life, he just doesn't share that with everybody. He is an excellent judge of character.

Im not sure yet if I want to surround myself with people, or be like my brother. I honestly love people. They're so cool like.. look at you. You look different than her but oH MY GOD ur pretty and your laugh is kinda cute and you do ur hair weird but it looks great and it's so amazing that we are looking at the same sky but you're perceiving it differently. It's amazing.. you wanna go get coffee with me? what do you like to talk about? you have a heart??? oH MY GOD ME TOO SHARE STORIES ABOUT IT BREAKING IM SO EXCITED TO SEE ANOTHER LIFE...

I mean, it's just so amazing that another person has all the same vitals as you but some act differently or some have conditions or disorders or crazy but kinda cool taste in music.

I just like to smile at other people's smiles... the world is such a great place if that's how you look at it.

Quit being a downer, Ebinezer. 

Grab a stuffed bear and a stranger and get in a damn photo booth.

You'll drive yourself insane if you continuously think "why am I capturing this, I'm going to die and this wont matter."

Make it matter while you're here. Don't give up because "what's the point exactly?"

Live for yourself.

I'm going to snap on my party hat. I've got a world to go celebrate.

Happy new year... I love you guys.