my summer bullshit.

Filled voids/ Lies and tithes

12/21/14 7:29 A.M

Im about to go into church for the first time in my life. sEND HELP!!11!!!1!!

12/21/14 10:45 A.M

So I just got back from church and it was.. an experince. It was quite consoling actually. For some reason, seeing all those people so happy in something that doesn't exist... it makes me happy. KNowing that there are people on this earth that have faith that strong... its amazing. 

At first I was extremely reluctant to join in the prayers, songs, or laughs at the dumb jokes the preacher was telling. I had gone my whole life so convinced that I hated church because it's a palace of lies and tithes.

But when I actually let myself sing a little, sway to the music, bowed my head and prayed with everyone in there... it made me feel whole. 

A year back, I asked my friend LaDereka "how do you fill your voids? how do you make your blankness and mental blackness feel full and delightful?"

"god." she simply answered.

"what do you mean?"

"without god in your life youre always going to feel some type of empty. you've gotta open yourself up and let him in."

I've experimented with religion. I cant find a religion that I would like to claim because honestly I still feel like they're all full of shit.

But one thing I know is, I need to let god in.

Im scared. Im clinging onto my hardheaded belief of "you cant prove it, so its not true"

But im so scared. If I let in god, how will that change me? Will I act different? I mean, I know I won't be a bible thumper ... but me rebuilding myself spirtiually...

I don't want to continue going to church. I want to worship through self righteouness.

I want to be at peace with myself, and as funny as it sounds, I think I need to get right with the lord.

Im going to find a regimen that brings a sense of organization to my life. 

After going to church only once, I already feel like a new person. No, I'm not gonna go get baptized or memorize verses from the bible. I feel like that's way too far.

Im going to celebrate my I and I. (myself within myself; inner peace) Nothing can be better than self assurance.

Im going to clear my head. Everything must go. Everything I onced believed in is now gone. I want to accept this higher power into my life as a way of soul savior, replishment... almost using Jah as a form of meditation. Allah as a high. Buddha as a second body. 

to me, a god is a god.