my summer bullshit.

Yall didnt really think it was OVER... Did you?

Dec 3 2014 / 7:26pm

I'm trying to beat isaiah in his story update because he's not as strategic as he thinks he is and well no this chapter isn't gonna make sense but for Christ sakes I'm a 15 year old girl how do I ever make sense?

First and foremost, my life is falling apart. my grades are shit , there's this wedge between me and "my guy" (apparently he's not my guy anymore) , I have no friends, I'm rapidly gaining weight , I just found out that I can't go to the school of basically my dreams because I live outside of the attendance zone , I have to tell all my friends and I don't want to disappoint them and for God sakes my heart is so heavy and I just feel like I'm failing at everything , almost like I'm falling into a deep hole that never ends and sometimes I see a ledge sticking out from the walls of the hole but I just can't shift my body weight enough to land on it

For starters, I can't fall in love. It's weird you see , but I just can't.

I have these unbearable crushes for sometimes months at a time and sometimes only days

But the guy admits he likes me and I fucking lose interest wtf why

It bugs me because I get into a relationship with such good intentions and then suddenly my heart is just like "nope"

I don't know why it happens, I hate it though. I mean .. Aren't you supposed to let yourself fall in love ? Not convince yourself. For crying out loud what the hell is wrong with me JESUS it's like this wall that just comes up that I really hate because I don't know why it's up or how to tear it down. but, I know who built it though.

thanks gavin.

anyway I just know that it wasn't that way with isaiah

I feel like he's been ripped away

I feel like it's my fault but then I see it as his and my judgement is clouded with anger and remorse and regret and seeing him today knocked me down

I know it's not the same with isaiah because with any other guy , I wouldn't have cared if they caught me all Googly-eyed for some other Hispanic/black lightskin 😂

But when I saw Isaiah next to Ethan today my mind was like "no Kali you den fucked up"

I felt ashamed. Ethan is basically my wish list yet he cannot compare to Isaiah

I spent the rest of my day after Isaiah left trying to convince myself that Ethan was perfect but everytime I looked up I saw Isaiah's lil face

I played it off...

but when Isaiah left without saying bye I teared up

I felt myself shit a brick because at that moment I realized I was officially not worth a shit to him

I looked him in the eye and I saw the same animal look he used to give me when he got violent with me and made me feel like a total bitch at all times and that took the feeling from my knees.

It's not making anything better yo

I'm not mainstream , I won't lie.
But I'm not outer stream either.

I want to be ..

I don't know , that's my problem , that's what's driving a wedge between me and everything and everyone I love

I'm just one of those inbetweeners that is being given an option to pick a side and I don't know what side I want.

Because being mainstream.. Let's see , parties , so many friends , always happy , given social opportunities that you'd never thought you'd see before , cute boyfriends , thousands of followers on Instagram , prom queen, yacht 😂

But it's the ingenuity of that side that's just like naw I fucking can't dude none of these people really care about me and I can't live like this forever . It's like drugs, I'm not scared of getting high, it's the coming down part that terrifies me. when I'm home alone one day and I realize that I'm just another person who gets invited to sweet sixteens because I fake a smile and do shit to try and fit in , that I know is just not me and I can feel my self confidence being knocked down six notches , that's my coming down.

I can't always crash like that.

and the outer stream, oh the sweet. sweet outer stream...
I don't fit. I've tried many times , I just don't. I always knew it ... I always knew that Isaiah was the only one who supported me as an outerstreamer much less a ranked position. Come on , I never even waved at taria or hugged Sydney or anything and I wouldn't have if it weren't for me always trying to prove myself. It's not that I don't like them, I do, I just would've never found out if it weren't for Isaiah ...

I always feel unworthy. I don't fit in with the people who don't fit in, and I don't fit in with the in crowd. both make me extremely uncomfortable. It's gotten to the point where sometimes I break down crying in the girls bathroom right before lunch because I know I won't have anyone to sit with. I feel like shit. I always do , and seeing how the one person who actually accepts me looks at me now

I think I might break down on the second floor twice tomorrow ...

Also , as much as I believed in my heart that I hated Samia , I can't stay away from her. We fit together like pianos and Stevie wonder ... Nobody understands but it works and it's amazing and we have so much fun together and I might have talked massive shit but JESUS Christ I need my best friend back I'm I can't I just no...

Every part of me is gone and I know it's all my fault and that's what makes it worse .

my life is literally like .. *spills paint on wall, goes out to buy paint that matches my wall, gets it 3 shades too bright, paints the whole walk 3 shades brighter than the rest of the room , suffices until I forget and put a chair against the wet paint, chair scuffs, I try to paint over it again but I'm out of paint and I need my money to spend it on something else*

And can I just say tha-

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Dec 3 2014 8pm

Um so I just got back from reading Isaiah's new chapter ...
I uh
Wow
K.
I don't know what to say because you've obviously got your mind made up... Um
Thanks for everything
I hope you're happy...

High school sucks.