It's always been you (Shelby and Toni story)

Part 17

Warning: this chapter might trigger you, it talks about suicidal thoughts so if would be trigger don't read it

Shelby pov

We went back to Toni's house after we left her spot

"It's not much, I know it looks like shit compared to your place, I'm sorry that you gotta be stuck in this shit because I don't wanna face the girls and tell them yet" Toni spoke

"Toni nothing is wrong with your place, and I'm happy to stay here with you" I responded

"Nobody ain't going to be looking for you?" She asked

"My parents think I'm at Fatin's and I'll just tell the girls that I stayed with Andrew" I answered

Toni nodded

She walked off causing me to follow, she walked into a room and laid on a bed I'm guessing it's her's

I laid beside her and we was turned facing each other

"So if you don't take my money what are you going to do about the recovery classes?" I asked

"I don't know, maybe pick up extra shifts even though it's hard as it is juggling school and work" she answered

"Toni why don't you just take my money?" I asked

"Because Shelby I'm not a fucking charity case" she semi yelled

"Toni I don't think of you as a charity case, I just wanna help" I spoke

She stayed silence and just stared at me

"Okay Toni I'll tell you what, my mom thinking about paying someone to do some work around the house, she will pay 100 dollars every Friday, how about I get you that job and you can work extra hard so you don't feel like it's charity" I spoke

Toni nodded... "that would be cool, yeah I can do that" she spoke

"Okay than, so I will talk to my mother" I said as I gave her a small smile before closing my eyes softly

"Shelby?" I heard her call out causing me to open my eyes and look at her

"Am I to much to handle?" She asked

"What do you mean?" I asked

"You know, when I get mad, am I too much to handle? Do I like scare you or anything?" She asked

"You're not too much to handle to me, and neither do you scare me" I responded truthfully

"Are you sure? Or are you just saying that now cause I'm calm?" She asked

I saw in her eyes she was desperate for answers

"Toni I swear to you that you're not to much to handle for me nor do you scare me, in fact you only scared me once?" I spoke

"When?" She asked

"Tonight" I responded leaving her looking confused

"When you said 'there's no purpose for you to live, and when you was talking about how tired you is of living and you could die right now and nobody would care', that right there scared me Toni, because I don't want you to feel that way, I don't want you to think about your death, I would be devastated if something were to happen to you" I spoke

"Every time I get close to somebody or I start to love someone they always end up leaving me Shelby,  It's hard to want to live when it feels like you got nobody, and I know I have you, Martha and the others but sometimes it don't feel that way" she preached

"What can we do to change that?" I asked

She shrugged... "I don't know" she responded

"I think the problem is you always pushing people away, and I want you to know no matter how much times you push me away, I will always be here for you" I spoke

"I'm just embarrassed I cried like a big fucking baby" she said chuckling

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about Toni" I reassured her

"Thanks for tonight, thanks for being here for me, thanks for holding me as I cried, thanks for everything" she spoke genuinely

"No problem" I responded

I watched as she closed her eyes slowly, but I couldn't stop thinking about tonight

All I could think about is the things she was saying, and I was scared she was going to do something stupid

I'm scared she might be having suicidal thoughts

And I'm scared that she don't love me cause I told her I love her and she didn't say it back

I want to ask her these questions but I was scared of what the answers would be

I sat there in silence for a few minutes staring at the ceiling for a couple of minutes just thinking until I finally got the courage to ask

"Toni are you asleep?" I asked causing her to shake her head no

"Are you having suicidal thoughts?" I asked causing her to open her eyes

It room grew with silence as we stared at each other, it's like she was trying to find the right words

And when she did she said "I would be lying if I said I never thought about it" she said

"But I thought about Martha and you guys, and I thought it would hurt y'all if I was to... you know" she spoke

"It would, and that would be selfish of you to do that to yourself and to even think about it" I responded

"Selfish?" She asked looking confused

"Yes, it would be extremely selfish if you left us, because than you would be opening up hurt for us, and it's also selfish of you for thinking about leaving us" I answered

She opened her mouth like she wanted to talk but no words came out so she just close her mouth, it seem like she was holding back, she turn her head and stared off

"I got another question" I spoke

She didn't say anything but I asked anyways

"Do you love me?" I asked catching her attention

She looked at me with confusing in her eyes... "what?" She asked

"I said I love you and you didn't say it back, so I got to thinking... maybe because you don't feel the same way about me that I feel for you" I spoke

"Shelby I love you" she said grabbing my face

"I didn't know I needed to say it, I thought you knew, but if you want me to say it I'll say it, Shelby Goodkind I love you" she said

A big smile appeared on my face, I grabbed her face before kissing her but she immediately pulled away

"You don't think this is wrong?" She asked

"What do you mean?" I asked

"I mean, me and Reagan ain't even been broken up for a day yet, and here I am here with you" she spoke

"No it's not wrong, it would be wrong if we didn't love each other, but we do" I responded

A smile appeared on her face as she bit her lip

She got on top of me grabbed my face and slowly pressed our lips together

This was a moment I didn't want to ever end