Severus Snape: The Becoming

Defense

Severus kneeled on his knees, the dirt comforting his body as he pruned weeds away from the foliage. September's end blazed hot in the mornings and cool in the night, just the way he preferred.

Over the last week, Solomon poked his nose around every morning, asking rapid fire questions about plants, potions making, and magic. Aysel watched from her window, tapping on it to call him home when she felt he had overstayed his welcome. But Severus never felt an imposition. If every child wanted to learn like Solomon, the world would be a better place.

He didn't quite know what to make of the child. Who would want to spend their free time around another adult who wasn't fun or silly by any means? He also didn't want to be seen as a strange man who took an avid interest in spending time with a child who wasn't related to him...

Brushing the dirt from his hands, he heard some yelling from down the street. Looking up, he saw several older children surround Solomon, who he hadn't even noticed was outside. They instantly grabbed whatever toy he had been playing with and flipped him upside down.

His mind instantly turned to his youth and without a thought he strode quickly over to them, his mere height stopping the behavior at once. Solomon fell to the ground with tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Tell me, what do you think you are doing?" Severus asked them coldly, blocking Solomon from view

They didn't answer, but their eyes told him that they knew they had committed an offense. Children who were bored and had egos to fulfill would be the ones to grow into adults who thought the law didn't apply to them.  He held out his hand for the toy, a Muggle style airplane. The leader, a boy with a blonde crew cut refused to look him in the eye. 

"I don't want to see any of you bothering this child again. It's a shame you have chosen the path to becoming a villain instead of becoming leaders. If I see this happen again, I will be finding each of your parents and informing them of what you've done. Am I understood?" Severus demanded, his voice low and intimidating.

They nodded, scampering away to avoid further scolding.  He turned and motioned for Solomon to follow him, walking together towards Aysel's home.

"Do they bother you a lot?" he asked as they sat down on the porch step

Solomon held his airplane, the tears still silently falling from his eyes. Severus knew the feeling: shame and embarrassment. Wondering why anyone would choose to bother him. What had he done wrong to gain that kind of attention. Instead of asking more questions, he pulled out his wand and cleaned up the dirt from the boy's face and arms.  He didn't know where the line was in this situation.

"I don't do anything to them. I wish I wasn't smart and then I would have friends. I would be able to play with the other kids" Solomon spoke up sadly a few minutes later, angrily wiping away tears

"Why would you ever wish away your greatest gift?" Severus asked him in what he hoped was an appropriate tone

"I don't have any friends. I'm weird. No one likes me" Solomon explained, in a voice much too sad and weary for a six year old

Fighting to keep his own memories from leaking out, Severus decided to tell him what he wished someone had told him when he had uttered those exact same words. 

"Your intelligence is a gift. You see the world in a way those children wont. Yes you may be alone. But if you hate yourself, you will always be lonely. Don't give them the victory of making you hate yourself. Do you understand?"

Solomon looked up at him, and it was only then that Severus noticed he had a split lip. He held up his wand and healed the wound quickly. 

"Being smart isn't fun. Why can't I hate it?" he asked in a defiant voice, one that masked fear

"You can hate it. But then you would be lying. Lying about who you are. I think I would rather be boring and honest than a fun liar, wouldn't you?" retorted Severus, applying logic to the emotion fueled argument

Severus knew about lying. How it drained the soul. Constantly rethinking what to say and how to act to make all the stories line up. To always have to be on guard and never be truthful, not even to oneself. At some point the lies become internalized and accepted as truth.

"Do you ever lie?" Solomon asked curiously, brown eyes still watery and sad

Taking a deep breath and heeding his own advice, Severus answered

"Yes. Most of my life I lied. And it became very hard to remember the truth. I didn't like it at all. But now, I'm allowed to tell the truth. And that's what I want to do, no matter what. The truth is always better than a lie Solomon, even if we don't like what happens because of it"

Solomon nodded, appearing to take his words to heart. It was a hefty life lesson for a child to learn but if he was old enough to ask the question, he was old enough to work through the answer. 

"I think you should go inside now, it's getting close to dinner. You are welcome to come to the garden tomorrow" Severus told him, standing up and waving goodbye

——————
Later that night, Severus sat on his porch, looking up at the stars. The clear night air cool around his shoulders. He took a moment to enjoy the caress of his hair against his skin, the freedom to sit without worry of what was about to happen. What could come if he let his guard down. Here, in this home, for the moment, he was safe. And he couldn't hold back the emotions of twenty years of hiding.

Who was he now? What direction should his life take? What did honesty look like for him? A pang of loneliness shot through his chest. It wasn't abnormal, the ache well placed and at home in his body.

"Hey...Can I sit? I have dessert" asked a voice, breaking through his thought process.

Aysel.  He hadn't even heard her walk over. That would never have happened before. She wore her pajamas, black shorts and a cotton top, two plates of pie in her hands. He nodded, accepting the plate from her as she sat beside him in a chair she transfigured from a twig.

"Solomon told me what happened today" she began, taking a bite of her dessert

Her voice didn't sound angry, neutral in it's delivery. He realized she wanted him to tell her his version of the story.

"I saw some children picking on him. I walked over and told them to leave. He was upset, and I tried to help. I got bullied in the same way...I apologize if I overstepped my boundaries" he told her, picking at the blueberry pie

"You didn't do anything wrong. Solomon told me he was proud to be smart. Which he has never said before. It's always been a hindrance to him. In his mind. He is such a kind boy, and I don't want him to turn angry..." she trailed off, taking a deep breath at the pressure held within her shoulder blades

Angry, like him. She didn't say that. But he thought it. Heard the unspoken words and fear in her voice.

"I was angry. But many things have to happen wrong for someone to turn out the way I did. You care about your son. You protect him" Severus told her, hoping to keep back any bitterness from his voice

His mother did nothing to protect him. Believing a home was more security than being homeless and safe from abuse. He would have rather lived in a shack with his mother than in that house with his father. His own body wasn't a safe place and he didn't know how to come back from that.

"I didn't mean he would turn out like...you had to. I wanted to thank you for talking to him. You didn't have to do that" she backtracked, her demeanor completely unlike any other time he had spoken to her.

Uncertain and nervous.

"You don't have to thank me for that" Severus answered gruffly, emotion a new territory to navigate

"We're going to live beside each other for the next year.  Although the world says it applauds us, we know that so many are still against us.  I think we should make the best of this. Why don't you come over for lunch tomorrow? This isn't pity. It's an olive branch. For both of us to learn how to be people again" she offered, biting her cheek in nervousness

"Yes. I'll be there" he answered shortly, handing her the empty plate as she gave him a small smile, shuffling awkwardly off his porch into the night.

A chance to become a person again.  A new man. If not now, when?